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In some country the average weight of people is increasing and their levels of health and fitness are decreasing. What do you think are the causes of these problems and what measures could be taken to solve them. v.2

In some country the average weight of people is increasing and their levels of health and fitness are decreasing. What do you think are the causes of these problems and what measures could be taken to solve them. v. 2
In some parts of the world, the trend that people have to deal with the gaining of weight and the increasing of several health proplems has been a heated topic. Some explanations for this problem wil be put forward, before a few feasible solutions can be dawn. To begin with, there are two significant reason as to why people are currently more overweight. The primary reason is that they have eaten fast food so much. It could be ascribed to the convenience that fast food brings, including helping people save time in bustling life today. If people depend on fast food, they could be likely to suffer from many serious diseases such as: obesity, diabetes and hypertension. Their health, as a result, would deteriorate. Another obivous reason is that people do not do exercise regularly. This is because they are busy with work and there are not enough appropriate space in many big cities for physical activities like go jogging or cycling. One of chooses is joining in gym centre which many people can not afford. However, some effective measure could be used to tackle this problem. Firstly, the government should introduce some policy to curb the consumption of fastfood. It can be done by imposing heavy taxes on unhealthy food and control the quality of fast food companies. Secondly, more parks should be erected to serve citizens, which is conducive for people to do outdoor activities, thereby improve their health. To sum up, the problem of being overweight and decreasing health level can be attributed for a few factors, such as the dependace on fast food. Strong remedy, including imposing heavy taxes on this kind of food, need to be implemented to address this problem.
In
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
parts of the world, the trend that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
deal with the gaining of weight and the increasing of
Possible agreement error. The noun health seems to be uncountable; consider using: "some health".
several health
Possible spelling mistake found.
proplems
has been a heated topic.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
explanations for this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problem
Possible spelling mistake found.
wil
be put
forward,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
a few feasible solutions can be dawn.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, there are two significant reason as to why
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are
currently
more overweight. The primary reason is that they have eaten
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fast
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
much. It could
be ascribed
to the convenience that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fast
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
brings, including helping
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
save time in bustling life
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
. If
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
depend on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fast
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
, they could be likely to suffer from
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
serious diseases such as: obesity, diabetes and hypertension. Their health,
as a result
, would deteriorate. Another
Possible spelling mistake found.
obivous
reason is that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
do not do exercise
regularly
. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they are busy with work and there are not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
appropriate space in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
cities for physical activities like go jogging or cycling. One of chooses is joining in gym
Possible spelling mistake. 'centre' is British English.
centre
which
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can not afford.

However
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
effective measure could be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to tackle this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problem
.
Firstly
, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
should introduce
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
policy to curb the consumption of
Possible spelling mistake found.
fastfood
. It can
be done
by imposing heavy taxes on unhealthy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
and control the quality of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fast
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
.
Secondly
, more parks should
be erected
to serve citizens, which is conducive for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to do outdoor activities, thereby
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
their health.

To sum up, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problem
of being overweight and decreasing health level can
be attributed
for a few factors, such as the
Possible spelling mistake found.
dependace
on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fast
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
. Strong remedy, including imposing heavy taxes on this kind of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
, need to
be implemented
to address this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problem
.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
23Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay In some country the average weight of people is increasing and their levels of health and fitness are decreasing. What do you think are the causes of these problems and what measures could be taken to solve them. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
286 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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