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In some countries young people have little leisure time and are under a lot of pressure to work hard on their studies What do you think are the causes of this What solutions can you suggest v.2

In some countries young people have little leisure time and are under a lot of pressure to work hard on their studies What do you think are the causes of this What solutions can you suggest v. 2
According to the report of The Times magazine, an average yearly income of the entertainment industry is calculated as 100 trillion US dollars. In this contemporary era, a massive number of the population addicted to entertainments. Although spending money on entertainment is beneficial for people, it has brought considerable negative effects on society. In this modern world, entertainment became a part of our day-to-day life. There are two primary reasons why people are interested in entertainment. Firstly, people want to reduce their stress level from their hectic work life, so they spend enormous money on sports events. For instance, based on the survey of World Entertainment Organization, worldwide, 65% of people are interested in spending their leisure time watching sports matches, which relieves them from their workaholic life. Secondly, most of the people like to learn new culture and tradition via concerts. Hence, some people think it is worth to spend huge money on tickets for sports and cultural events. However, due to the proliferation of technology, the majority of the people have access for an active internet connection, so it is not necessary to spend extensive money on buying tickets for events such as cultural events and sports. Nowadays, watching any live event is not a big deal; technology made it possible to watch any live events from any part of the world. For example, it is not possible to attend an expensive sport or concert for the people who economically less fortune, in the live telecast they can watch everything for free. Therefore, it is not worthy of spending an enormous amount of money on tickets for events. To conclude, although spending a vast amount of money on event tickets gives us relaxation and a new path to learn a different culture, it is not necessary when we have access to the internet connection. I believe, in the future, people would reduce spending cash on event tickets.
According to the report of The Times magazine, an average yearly income of the entertainment industry
is calculated
as 100 trillion US dollars. In this contemporary era, a massive number of the population addicted to entertainments. Although
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spending
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
on entertainment is beneficial for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
, it has brought considerable
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
effects on society.

In this modern world, entertainment became a part of our day-to-day life. There are two primary reasons why
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are interested
in entertainment.
Firstly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
want to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
level from their hectic work life,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
they spend enormous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
events
.
For instance
, based on the survey of World Entertainment Organization, worldwide, 65% of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are interested
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spending
their leisure time watching
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
matches, which relieves them from their workaholic life.
Secondly
, most of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
like to learn new culture and tradition via concerts.
Hence
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
it is worth to spend huge
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
tickets
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
and cultural
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
events
.

However
, due to the proliferation of technology, the majority of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
have access for an active internet connection,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
it is not necessary to spend extensive
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
on buying
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
tickets
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
events
such as cultural
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
events
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
. Nowadays, watching any
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
event
is not a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
deal; technology made it possible to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
watch
any
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
events
from any part of the world.
For example
, it is not possible to attend an expensive
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sport
or concert for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who
economically
less fortune, in the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
telecast they can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
watch
everything for free.
Therefore
, it is not worthy of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spending
an enormous amount of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
tickets
for
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
events
.

To conclude
, although
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spending
a vast amount of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
event
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
tickets
gives us relaxation and a new path to learn a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
culture, it is not necessary when we have access to the internet connection. I believe, in the future,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
would
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spending
cash on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
event
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
tickets
.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
To have another language is to possess a second soul.
Charlemagne

IELTS essay In some countries young people have little leisure time and are under a lot of pressure to work hard on their studies What do you think are the causes of this What solutions can you suggest v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
319 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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