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In some countries young people have little leisure time and are under a lot of pressure to work hard in their studies. What do you think are the causes of this? What solutions can you suggest? v.1

In some countries young people have little leisure time and are under a lot of pressure to work hard in their studies. What do you think are the causes of this? What solutions can you suggest? v. 1
Children and young men are educated differently, based on the country they live in. While in some countries it is common for teenagers to have free time to pursue what they want to do, in other places, young men are tought to work hard and study extensively, which comes on the expense of their free time. There are many reasons why these differences exitst, however, in my opinion, it is mainly due to the economical environment of the country and the cost of living. As parents, we are naturally interested in assisting our child as much as possible, and give him the required tools to succeed in life. As a concesuences, in heavily populated coutries, like China or Mexico, where it is hard to find a stable job, and buy an apartement, parents educate their children to study hard, and work from an early age, so they will be able to build a career and earn a good salary. To illustrate, in Hong Kong, where the real estate prices are extremely expensive, it is costumary for children to study 10 hour a day, and work from the age of 14, so they will be able to buy a house. In contrary, in Israel, where there are plenty of houses available and many job vacancies, young people spend many hours pursuing their hobbies instead of studying and working. Although it is important to buid a career and work hard, not having anough leisure time can lead to increased pressure and anxiety, which, as a result, can lead to reduced concentraion efficiency. From this reason, I believe free time should be incorporated within school hours and work. This notion have been implemented among "google" employers, where a daily one hour free time was implemented. Furthermore, facilities, such as a gym, movie theaters and sleeping couches where addedd for people to use in their free time. Interestingly, despite the reduction in working hours, emplyers efficiency increased by 20%. In conclusion, young men have varying amount of leisure time, based on the cultural background he was educated in. This, Unfortunately, can lead to increased pressure and anxiety. If we would incorporated free hours within our work place, we can reduce this unwanted stress and increase our productivity.
Children and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
are educated
differently
, based on the country they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
in. While in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
countries it is common for
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
to have
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
free
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
to pursue what they want to do, in other places,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
are
Possible spelling mistake found.
tought
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hard
and study
extensively
, which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
comes
on the expense of their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
free
time.

There are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
reasons why these differences
Possible spelling mistake found.
exitst
,
however
, in my opinion, it is
mainly
due to the
Did you mean "economic" (=connected with economy)?
economical
environment of the country and the cost of living. As parents, we are
naturally
interested in assisting our child as much as possible, and give him the required tools to succeed in life. As a
Possible spelling mistake found.
concesuences
, in
heavily
populated
Possible spelling mistake found.
coutries
, like China or Mexico, where it is
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hard
to find a stable job, and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
an
Possible spelling mistake found.
apartement
, parents educate their children to study
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hard
, and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
from an early age,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
they will be able to build a career and earn a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
salary. To illustrate, in Hong Kong, where the real estate prices are
extremely
expensive, it is
Possible spelling mistake found.
costumary
for children to study 10
Possible agreement error. The noun 'hour' seems to be countable, so consider using: "hours".
hour
a day, and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
from the age of 14,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
they will be able to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
house
. In contrary, in Israel, where there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
plenty
of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
houses
available and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
job vacancies,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
spend
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hours
pursuing their hobbies
instead
of studying and working.

Although it is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
to
Possible spelling mistake found.
buid
a career and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hard
, not having
Possible spelling mistake found.
anough
leisure
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
can lead to increased pressure and anxiety, which,
as a result
, can lead to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduced
Possible spelling mistake found.
concentraion
efficiency. From this reason, I believe
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
free
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
should
be incorporated
within school
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hours
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
.
The verb 'have' is plural. Did you mean: "This notion has"? Did you use a verb instead of a noun?
This notion have
been implemented
among
Use a smart opening quote here: "“".
"
google
Use a smart closing quote here: "”".
"
employers, where a daily one
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hour
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
free
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
was implemented
.
Furthermore
, facilities, such as a gym, movie theaters and sleeping couches where
Possible spelling mistake found.
addedd
for
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
in their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
free
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
.
Interestingly
, despite the reduction in working
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hours
,
Possible spelling mistake found.
emplyers
efficiency increased by 20%.

In conclusion
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
have varying amount of leisure
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
, based on the cultural background he
was educated
in. This, Unfortunately, can lead to increased pressure and anxiety. If we would
The verb 'would' requires the base form of the verb: "incorporate"
incorporated
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
free
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hours
within our
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
place, we can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
this unwanted
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
and increase our productivity.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
32Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
18Mistakes

IELTS essay In some countries young people have little leisure time and are under a lot of pressure to work hard in their studies. What do you think are the causes of this? What solutions can you suggest? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
373 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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