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The following chart illustrates the results of a British survey taken in 2005 related to Housing preferences of UK people. v.1

The following chart illustrates the results of a British survey taken in 2005 related to Housing preferences of UK people. v. 1
Some would argue that young people should be taught about how to become an ethical individual in society by their parents. Others claim that it is a responsibility of the education institute. I, personally, believe that parent are the most important people in the children’s life because they spend most of their time with them and they always try to copy their parents instinctively. On the one hand, some people say that teachers are responsible to make children to become a successful person of the society because they argue that parents pay huge amount of money to school to make their children a better person. They believe that teachers are the people who should teach their pupils about self-management skills. And those schools who teach such skills to their students then those students become successful in future and make their schools proud. For instance, a recent survey of The University of Karachi found that 70% students who get international scholarship from Pakistan went to The City School or Beconhouse Schooling System. On the other hand, others argue that parents have made more impact on children’s life because children spend most of their time with parents. They go to the school just for 6 hours. Moreover, they watch their parents since they have born and try to copy their parents without any teaching, they believe that what their parents do is the acceptable thing. For example, recent research revealed that 80% of the boys who smoke in their teenage life get influenced by their fathers. In conclusion, although a lot of people argue that schools are responsible to make their pupils a beneficial member of the society because they are paid for it, I believe that guardians are the most important factor in children’s life because children follow their parents more than anyone else.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
would
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
argue
that young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
should
be taught
about how to become an ethical individual in society by their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
. Others claim that it is a responsibility of the education institute. I,
personally
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
believe
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parent
are the most
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children’s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they spend most of their time with
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
them and
they always try to copy their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
instinctively.

On the one hand,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
say that teachers are responsible to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to become a successful person of the society
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
argue
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
pay huge amount of money to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
a better person. They
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
believe
that teachers are the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
should teach their pupils about self-management
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
. And those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
teach such
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
to their students then those students become successful in future and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
proud.
For instance
, a recent survey of The University of Karachi found that 70% students
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
international scholarship from Pakistan went to The City
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
School
or
Possible spelling mistake found.
Beconhouse
Schooling System.

On the other hand
, others
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
argue
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
have made more impact on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children’s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
spend most of their time with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
. They go to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
for 6 hours.
Moreover
, they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
watch
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
since they have born and try to copy their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
without any teaching, they
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
believe
that what their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
do is the acceptable thing.
For example
, recent research revealed that 80% of the boys
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
smoke in their teenage
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
influenced by their fathers.

In conclusion
, although
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
argue
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
are responsible to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
their pupils a beneficial member of the society
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they
are paid
for it, I
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
believe
that guardians are the most
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
factor in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children’s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
follow their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
more than anyone else.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay The following chart illustrates the results of a British survey taken in 2005 related to Housing preferences of UK people. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
303 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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