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In some countries young people have little leisure time and are under a lot of pressure to work hard in their studies. What do you think are the causes of this? What solutions can you suggest? v.5

In some countries young people have little leisure time and are under a lot of pressure to work hard in their studies. What do you think are the causes of this? What solutions can you suggest? v. 5
In some countries, it is common for teenagers to work harder, resulting in not having much free time and being under a lot of stress. This essay discusses the reasons why the reality exists, and also suggests how to solve this. In my opinion, it is mainly due to education system in some nations like China, Vietnam, or Korea. Their education systems pay attention to teaching subjects to get into higher levels. To illustrate, it is true that in recent years, the Vietnamese ministry of education has added English to examinations and considered it as one of the main subjects. Besides, they only focus on theory than experiment, and each student to spend much time on doing homework, enriching knowledge or preparing for next lessons. Furthermore, both teenagers’ parents and their schools always expect them to succeed in life. Thus, students are put under a lot of pressure on their studies to get good academic qualifications, which are considered like the key to find work easily in highly competitive societies, or to buy houses. For instance, in heavily populated countries such as China, it can be seen that there are over 10, 000 students taking part in entrance exams; the exam pressure increases resulting in the high suicide rate among teenagers. Additionally, in Hong Kong, where the real estate prices are extremely expensive, it is customary for children to study 10 hours a day, and work from the age of 14, so they able to buy a house. Therefore, all of reasons originate from economic environment and the cost of living. However, the problem can be fought. Firstly, teenagers’ parents should change their mind. They should believe that education is not the only key to succeed in life. As a consequence, Bill Gates gave up learning to found Microsoft, however, now he is always on the list of the richest people in the world. Additionally, education system and schools should reduce the amount of homework, examinations, and encourage students to spend their leisure time on pursuing hobbies, or doing what they want to do. As the result of this, teenagers can improve social skills, or creation, and they have more motivation for learning. In conclusion, I am of the opinion that the amount of teenagers’ leisure time is based on the cultural background they are educated. And if we can reduce working hours at school or at the office, we won’t be under stress and increase the productivity.
In
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
countries, it is common for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teenagers
to work harder, resulting in not having much free
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
and being under
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
. This essay discusses the reasons why the reality exists, and
also
suggests how to solve this.

In my opinion, it is
mainly
due to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
system in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
nations like China, Vietnam, or Korea. Their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
systems pay attention to teaching subjects to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
into higher levels. To illustrate, it is true that in recent years, the Vietnamese ministry of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
has
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
added
English to examinations and considered it as one of the main subjects.
Besides
, they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
focus on theory than experiment, and each
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
student
to spend much
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
on doing homework, enriching knowledge or preparing for
next
lessons.
Furthermore
, both
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teenagers’
parents and their schools always
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
expect
them to succeed in life.
Thus
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
are put
under
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
pressure on their studies to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
academic qualifications, which
are considered
like the key to find work
easily
in
highly
competitive societies, or to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
houses
.
For instance
, in
heavily
populated countries such as China, it can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
that there are over 10, 000
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
taking part in entrance exams; the exam pressure increases resulting in the high suicide rate among
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teenagers
.
Additionally
, in Hong Kong, where the real estate prices are
extremely
expensive, it is customary for children to study 10 hours a day, and work from the age of 14,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
Did you mean "they are" or "they were"?
they
able to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
house
.
Therefore
,
Consider using "all reasons" or "all of the reasons".
all of reasons
originate from economic environment and the cost of living.

However
, the problem can
be fought
.
Firstly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teenagers’
parents should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
their mind. They should believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
is not the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
key to succeed in life. As a consequence, Bill Gates gave up learning to found Microsoft,
however
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
he is always on the list of the richest
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
in the world.
Additionally
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
system and schools should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
the amount of homework, examinations, and encourage
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
to spend their leisure
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
on pursuing hobbies, or doing what they want to do. As the result of this,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teenagers
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
social
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
, or creation, and they have more motivation for learning.

In conclusion
, I am of the opinion that the amount of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teenagers’
leisure
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
is based
on the cultural background they
are educated
. And if we can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
working hours at school or at the office, we won’t be under
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
and increase the productivity.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay In some countries young people have little leisure time and are under a lot of pressure to work hard in their studies. What do you think are the causes of this? What solutions can you suggest? v. 5

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
408 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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