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Do you agree or disagree? The opinions of celebrities, such as famous entertainers and athletes, are more important to younger people than they are to older people. v.69

The opinions of celebrities, such as famous entertainers and athletes, are more important to younger people than they are to older people. v. 69
As long as the modern society has developed year by year, people's needs also change in keeping with this situation. When considered that, at present, people endeavour to work more around the clock than a few decades ago so that they need to devote time for themselves to feel relaxed and fresh after work. In accordance with this, one of the basic activities they prefer to do is to use their public parks around their settlement areas. I think that public parks are quite important for people who tend to do any sport regularly and walk and spend time with their parents, pets, and friends. Therefore, it can be said that public parks are not only either simple or ordinary fancy surrounded fields for people, but they also create a mass environment for the whole society to be more social. Hence, although the other two opinions such as building houses and business areas are quite as important as parks, it does not mean that any of those can be replaced with any of them as each of them has a different range of importance for people. Naturally, I do not suppose that they cannot be used for the other different aims because they should exist and have an important role in residents' lives. If people require other places to be created as well, these places can be constructed in the different territories they dwell in. Eventually, it can be more equivalent development. To sum up, I cannot prefer any of other to another, yet the different territories where people live can be evaluated with some assessments and surveys.
As long as the modern society has developed year by year,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
's needs
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
in keeping with this situation.

When considered that, at present,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
Possible spelling mistake. 'endeavour' is British English.
endeavour
to work more around the clock than a few decades ago
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that they need to devote time for themselves to feel relaxed and fresh after work. In accordance with this, one of the basic activities they prefer to do is to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
their public
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parks
around their settlement areas. I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that public
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parks
are quite
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who tend to do any sport
regularly
and walk and spend time with their parents, pets, and friends.
Therefore
, it can
be said
that public
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parks
are not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
either simple or ordinary fancy surrounded fields for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
they
also
create a mass environment for the whole society to be more social.
Hence
, although the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
two opinions such as building
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
houses
and business areas are quite as
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parks
, it does not mean that any of those can
be replaced
with any of them as each of them has a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
different
range of importance for
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
.

Naturally
, I do not suppose that they cannot be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
different
aims
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they should exist and have an
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
role in residents'
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
. If
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
require
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
places to
be created
as well
, these places can
be constructed
in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
different
territories they dwell in.
Eventually
, it can be more equivalent development.

To sum up, I cannot prefer any of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
to another,
yet
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
different
territories where
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
can
be evaluated
with
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
assessments and surveys.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
Learning another language is not only learning different words for the same things, but learning another way to think about things.
Flora Lewis

IELTS essay The opinions of celebrities, such as famous entertainers and athletes, are more important to younger people than they are to older people. v. 69

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
268 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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