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In some countries, young people are living in richer and healthier condition but less happy. What are the reasons? What might be done to solve this issue? v.2

In some countries, young people are living in richer and healthier condition but less happy. What are the reasons? What might be done to solve this issue? v. 2
It is witnessed that young adults living in some parts of the world are less likely to enjoy a decent life even though they are financially healthy. While the shortage of communication skills in the workplace is the predominant cause of this tendency, I believe proper methods should not be ignored. On the one hand, It is undeniable that the deficiency of communication skills at work has led numerous people to experience a sense of unhappiness for decades. This results from the capacity of work, which causes people to devote time on performances and achievements, and spend less time communicating with other employees. For example, my uncle used to work excessively at his workplace in an attempt to earn money and did not establish any relationship between himself and co-workers, hence, he had to experience a sense of anxiety and depression due to the lack of communications made by friends. However, in order to tackle this problem, I believe that several solutions can be taken into consideration. First, they should reduce the workload by taking a break and starting conversations with other colleagues. This would help them to strengthen the bond with each other. Second, participating in sporting events is also an ideal way for people to improve their psychological states. For instance, some companies in Vietnam often operate a marathon race, offering many opportunities for employees to be physically and emotionally healthy as they could get to know each other. In conclusion, it is understandable why people still dissatisfied with several aspects of their lives, causing them to be unhappy. However, I believe that the mentioned methods could have a contributing effect on solving this problem.
It
is witnessed
that young adults living in
some
parts of the world are less likely to enjoy a decent life
even though
they are
financially
healthy. While the shortage of communication
skills
in the workplace is the predominant cause of this tendency, I believe proper methods should not be
ignored
.

On the one hand, It is undeniable that the deficiency of communication
skills
at work has led numerous
people
to experience a sense of unhappiness for decades. This results from the capacity of work, which causes
people
to devote time on performances and achievements, and spend less time communicating with other employees.
For example
, my uncle
used
to work
excessively
at his workplace in an attempt to earn money and did not establish any relationship between himself and co-workers,
hence
, he had to experience a sense of anxiety and depression due to the lack of communications made by friends.

However
, in order to tackle this problem, I believe that several solutions can
be taken
into consideration.
First
, they should
reduce
the workload by taking a break and starting conversations with other colleagues. This would
help
them to strengthen the bond with each other. Second, participating in sporting
events
is
also
an ideal way for
people
to
improve
their psychological states.
For instance
,
some
companies
in Vietnam
often
operate a marathon race, offering
many
opportunities for employees to be
physically
and
emotionally
healthy as they could
get
to know each other.

In conclusion
, it is understandable why
people
still
dissatisfied with several aspects of their
lives
, causing them to be unhappy.
However
, I believe that the mentioned methods could have a contributing effect on solving this problem.
10Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
4Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
0Mistakes

IELTS essay In some countries, young people are living in richer and healthier condition but less happy. What are the reasons? What might be done to solve this issue? v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
277 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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