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In some countries, young people are not only richer but also safer and healthier than ever before. However, they are less happy. What do you think are the causes of this? What solutions can you suggest? ? v.1

In some countries, young people are not only richer but also safer and healthier than ever before. However, they are less happy. What do you think are the causes of this? What solutions can you suggest? ? v. 1
Happiness is not a quantity that can be measured, it is a feeling that can only be seen. In the current world, teenagers of many developed nations are earning enough to support their needs, along with the safety and healthy lifestyle provided by the government in comparison to many developing and underdeveloped countries. While, this has created a pressure to continuously earn and has less time to enjoy and stay happy. In this essay, I will present possible solutions to some of the problems related to this. The most significant cause of unhappiness is independence to some extend. In this contemporary world, kids are given a lot more freedom compared to the past. This has been more negative than positive. To illustrate this, as per the study by the University of Chicago, there are more independent kids in today's world than a decade ago. It is because, they feel more comfortable in tackling their issues by themselves. As a result, inviting more trouble for themselves as they lack experience and start feeling tense in this early age ruining their happiness. A possible solution to this is, every parent should create an environment which allows their children to share their problem irrespective of the situation and help in feeling relieved. Another negative aspect of getting employed early is dealing with money. Many students get into wrong habits and start using drugs as they earn. For example, a research by anti-drug commission of the United Nation provided sufficient evidence that most drug addicts develop this habit during high school, especially when they start working. In contrast, those who aren't working are sober. As a consequence, money earned is wasted on such things and is put into no use and creates mental pressure and addiction, when unable to find drugs. A solution to this, the parents should create fixed deposits of the minors, so that this money can be used for higher studies and should continue to provide pocket money to their children, this will keep them on track and will save enough for their bachelor's. In conclusion, starting to earn at a legal age is a great thing to do, but everything comes with a drawback. In my opinion, starting work at an early age is always a plus, unless the money earned is put into good use and brings happiness. The government does provide sufficient infrastructure, but mental peace and happiness is something that comes from within.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Happiness
is not a quantity that can
be measured
, it is a feeling that can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
. In the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
current
world,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
developed nations are earning
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
to support their needs, along with the safety and healthy lifestyle provided by the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
in comparison
to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
developing and underdeveloped countries. While, this has created a pressure to
continuously
earn and has less time to enjoy and stay happy. In this essay, I will present possible solutions to
If the text is a generality, 'of the' is not necessary. Did you mean "some"?
some of the
problems related to this.

The most significant cause of unhappiness is independence to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
Did you mean the noun "extent"?
extend
. In this contemporary world, kids are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
a lot more freedom compared to the past. This has been more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
than
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
. To illustrate this, as per the study by the University of Chicago, there are more independent kids in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
's world than a decade ago. It is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
, they feel more comfortable in tackling their issues by themselves.
As a result
, inviting more trouble for themselves as they lack experience and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
feeling tense in this early age ruining their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
. A possible solution to this is, every parent should create an environment which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allows
their children to share their problem irrespective of the situation and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
in feeling relieved.

Another
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
aspect of getting employed early is dealing with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
students
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
into
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
wrong
habits and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
using drugs as they earn.
For example
,
Uncountable nouns are usually not used with an indefinite article. Use simply "research".
a research
by anti-drug commission of the United Nation provided sufficient evidence that most drug addicts develop this habit during high school,
especially
when they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
working.
In contrast
, those who aren't working are sober. As a consequence,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
earned
is wasted
on such things and
is put
into no
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
and creates mental pressure and addiction, when unable to find drugs. A solution to this, the parents should create
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
fixed
deposits of the minors,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
for higher studies and should continue to provide pocket
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
to their children, this will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
them on
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
track
and will save
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
for their bachelor's.

In conclusion
, starting to earn at a legal age is a great thing to do,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
everything
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
comes
with a drawback. In my opinion, starting work at an early age is always a plus, unless the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
earned
is put
into
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
and brings
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
. The
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
does provide sufficient infrastructure,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
mental peace and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
is something that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
comes
from within.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8Mistakes

IELTS essay In some countries, young people are not only richer but also safer and healthier than ever before. However, they are less happy. What do you think are the causes of this? What solutions can you suggest? ? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
406 words
8
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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