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In some countries young people are encouraged to work or travel for a year between finishing high school and starting University studies. Discuss the advantage and disadvantage for young people who decide to do this. v.14

In some countries young people are encouraged to work or travel for a year between finishing high school and starting University studies. Discuss the advantage and disadvantage for young people who decide to do this. v. 14
Education is mandatory for making successful career. Some people argue that after secondary education children are motivated toward work, although some people think that they can enjoy a travel mode. While both approaches has their own advantages and disadvantages, this essay will emphasise both approaches along with pros and cons in following paragraphs. To commence with, by employee, children can able to understand importants of money. To buttress, since by adopting employment opportunities they can give more value to hard work, they will realise value of money and they will not make themselve as a extravagant person. Aprat from significant, one drawback also, due to materialistic person, they can not concentrate on their further education. This is because, grid of money, they can spend more time in working place instead of education. Hence, they will not able to get success in their life. For example, over 35% of people who had not been completed their education because of job. Alternatively, enjoy a travel has far many ascendancy. First and foremost, they gets more time to spend with their family to enjoy natural beauty like, a mountain, a river, and so on. To add, they can be able to enjoy a trip with their family member though which they can increase their bonding. On the other hand, by travel, jubilant who might face some serious obstacle such as accident, therefore they can face some condition like handicap. By this, they will not make successful life. For instance, according to Mumbai University, India, where over 6% of people who had faced tragedy of handicap by travel. Henceforth to conclude, choosing employment option, pupils can obtain important of money, while they can not focus on study. By trip, teenagers can get a chance to enjoy trip with their family, although some serious problems might be faced by travel.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Education
is mandatory for making successful career.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
argue that after secondary
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
children
are motivated
toward work, although
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that they can
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
enjoy
a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
travel
mode. While both approaches has their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
advantages and disadvantages, this essay will
Possible spelling mistake. 'emphasise' is British English.
emphasise
both approaches along with pros and cons in following paragraphs.

To commence with, by employee, children
Please check whether one of these words is redundant.
can able to
understand
Possible spelling mistake found.
importants
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
. To buttress, since by adopting employment opportunities they can give more value to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
work, they will
Possible spelling mistake. 'realise' is British English.
realise
value of
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
money and
they will not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
Possible spelling mistake found.
themselve
as
Use "an" instead of 'a' if the following word starts with a vowel sound, e.g. 'an article', 'an hour'
a
extravagant person.
Possible spelling mistake found.
Aprat
from significant, one drawback
also
, due to materialistic person, they can not concentrate on their
further
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
, grid of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
, they can spend more time in working place
instead
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
.
Hence
, they will not able to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
success in their life.
For example
, over 35% of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who had not
been completed
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of job.

Alternatively
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
enjoy
a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
travel
has far
Possible agreement error. The noun ascendancy seems to be uncountable; consider using: "much ascendancy", "a good deal of ascendancy".
many ascendancy
.
First
and foremost, they
The pronoun 'they' must be used with a non-third-person form of a verb: "get"
gets
more time to spend with their family to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
enjoy
natural beauty like, a mountain, a river, and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
on. To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
add
, they can be able to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
enjoy
a trip with their family member though which they can increase their bonding.
On the other hand
, by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
travel
, jubilant who might face
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
serious obstacle such as accident,
therefore
they can face
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
Did you mean "conditions"?
condition
like handicap. By this, they will not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
successful life.
For instance
, according to Mumbai University, India, where over 6% of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who had faced tragedy of handicap by travel.

Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Henceforth
to conclude
, choosing employment option, pupils can obtain
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
, while they can not focus on study. By trip,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
a chance to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
enjoy
trip with their family, although
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
serious problems might
be faced
by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
travel
.
14Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
22Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
13Mistakes

IELTS essay In some countries young people are encouraged to work or travel for a year between finishing high school and starting University studies. Discuss the advantage and disadvantage for young people who decide to do this. v. 14

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
305 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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