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In some countries, young people are encouraged to work and travel for a year finishing high school and starting university study. Discuss advantage and disadvantage for your people who decide to do it. v.2

In some countries, young people are encouraged to work and travel for a year finishing high school and starting university study. Discuss advantage and disadvantage for your people who decide to do it. v. 2
It is a fact that selecting a right career pathway is crucial for the youth's future life when they graduate from high school. Some youngsters  prefer to travel around the world or working in workforce to gain experience before entering universities; while, others enrol themselves in post-secondary education right after the graduations. These two pathways will both have advantages for the youth. The essay will discuss these two options separately. To begin with, firstly,   Spending time travelling or working will provide opportunities for high school graduates understand themselves better. The majority of  them may have limited knowledge about working industries or lack of self-awareness.  For example, one-year travelling and working experiences will expand their horizontal knowledge and learn more about themselves. Moreover,   they also earn some money for their tuition as well.   As a result, the youth may mature enough to select their careers to pursue. However, some new graduates prefer to attend universities right after high school. Firstly, they believe that travelling and working will waste their precious time. In addition, it will increase the risks for the youth to incline negative habits, such as smoking, drinking, doing drugs, and so on. Finally,  some of them may never return to colleges again.  Directly pursuing university education will assist students to stay concentration in their academic study. In conclusion,   whether having a short period for travelling or working or not depends on a high school graduate individually. I opine that they should make a serious decision after consulting their parents or mentors.  Travelling and working may not be suitable for all students due to  the above reasons. However, pursuing advanced academic educations in universities will assist learners to prosper.
It is a fact that selecting a right career pathway is crucial for the youth's future life when they graduate from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
high
school.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
youngsters
Possible typo: you repeated a whitespace
  
prefer to travel around the world or working in workforce to gain experience 
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
entering
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
universities
; while, others enrol themselves in post-secondary education right after the graduations. These two pathways will both have advantages for the youth. The essay will discuss these two options 
separately
.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with,
firstly
,
Possible typo: you repeated a whitespace
  
Spending time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
travelling
or
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
will provide opportunities for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
high
school graduates understand themselves better. The majority of
Possible typo: you repeated a whitespace
  
them may have limited knowledge about
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
industries or lack of self-awareness.  
For example
, one-year
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
travelling
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
experiences will expand their horizontal knowledge and learn more about themselves.
Moreover
,
Possible typo: you repeated a whitespace
  
they
also
earn
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
money for their tuition
as well
.
Possible typo: you repeated a whitespace
  
As a result
, the youth may mature
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
to select their careers to pursue.

However
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
new graduates prefer to attend
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
universities
right after
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
high
school.
Firstly
, they believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
travelling
and working will waste their precious time.
In addition
, it will increase the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risks
for the youth to incline 
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
habits, such as smoking, drinking, doing drugs, and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
on.
Finally
,
Possible typo: you repeated a whitespace
 
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
of them may never return to colleges again.  
Directly
pursuing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
university
education will assist students to stay concentration in their academic study.

In conclusion
,
Possible typo: you repeated a whitespace
  
whether having a short period for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
travelling
or
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
or not depends on a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
high
school graduate
individually
. I opine that they should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
a serious decision after consulting their parents or mentors.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
 Travelling
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
may not be suitable for all students due to
Possible typo: you repeated a whitespace
 
the above reasons.
However
, pursuing advanced academic educations in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
universities
will assist learners to prosper.
13Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
18Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8Mistakes
Language is the blood of the soul into which thoughts run and out of which they grow.
Oliver Wendell Holmes

IELTS essay In some countries, young people are encouraged to work and travel for a year finishing high school and starting university study. Discuss advantage and disadvantage for your people who decide to do it. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
264 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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