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Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Young people should try several different jobs before they take a long term career. v.763

Young people should try several different jobs before they take a long term career. v. 763
As some people may hold the view that young people should occupy in different jobs before taking their major job; however, some others take an opposite viewpoint and believe that they should put the full attention on their long term career. I personally agree with second belief. Among the countless reasons which advocate my idea, I will delve into most conspicuous ones, which persuade me to put forward this perspective. The first exquisite reason to be mentioned is that while some people might be really in need of having a job, the young people, who just want to try the occupation, blind the chance for them. As a matter of fact, young people consider these tasks as experiences, which enhance and fortify their resumes and opportunities for finding an appropriate job in the near future. On the other hand, a lot of individuals who have economical responsibilities in their families define these tasks as the main sources of the finance, which lead them to be economically in dependent and affordable. Thus, the filling of these jobs leads to serious financial crisis in a society. The second reason, one should take into account the significant fact of the most of these young people are students. The major responsibility and duty of each student is doing study. In this case, by trying several different occupations during the educational period, it will be arduous to handle the both responsibilities in the same time; moreover, in the most of the case it paves the path to awkward in their education and learning process. As far as I am concerned a decent GPA is more effective in finding a suitable job than the various jobs experiences. Besides, by focusing on their studies they will have an opportunity to boost their knowledges in the sake of their major occupations and become a well-learned person in the specific field of study, which is related to their career. In approaching this issue based on the fact mentioned in third paragraph, one should consider another subtle point meticulously that; the students who focus on their studies have more spare times; as result of, fewer duties. In fact, they can spend the more time to charge the energy which is required in their studies; besides, increase their success ratio in their training progresses. According to the noteworthy refreshingly intelligible statistics released by a recent research conducted in our country, more than the sixty five percent of the students who just do their studies are more successful in their education rather than the students who handle the studies and the jobs in the same time. To wrap it up, all aforementioned reasons and examples leads us to the conclusion that shining the light to different tasks before the long term career can lead to more difficulties for the individuals and public.
As
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
may hold the view that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
should occupy in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
taking their major
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
;
however
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
others take an opposite viewpoint and believe that they should put the full attention on their long term career. I
personally
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with second belief. Among the countless
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
reasons
which advocate my
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
, I will delve into most conspicuous ones, which persuade me to put forward this perspective.

The
first
exquisite
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
reason
to
be mentioned
is that while
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
might be
really
in need of having a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
want to try the occupation, blind the chance for them. As a matter of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fact
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
consider these tasks as experiences, which enhance and fortify their resumes and opportunities for finding an appropriate
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
in the near future.
On the other hand
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
individuals
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
have economical responsibilities in their families define these tasks as the main sources of the finance, which
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lead
them to be
economically
in dependent and affordable.
Thus
, the filling of these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
leads to serious financial crisis in a society.

The second
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
reason
, one should take into account the significant
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fact
of the most of these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
. The major responsibility and duty of each
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
student
is doing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
study
.
In this case
, by trying several
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
occupations during the educational period, it will be arduous to handle the both responsibilities in the same time;
moreover
, in the most of the case it paves the path to awkward in their education and learning process.
“As” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
As
far as I
am concerned
a decent GPA is more effective in finding a suitable
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
than the various
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
experiences.
Besides
, by focusing on their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
studies
they will have an opportunity to boost their
Possible spelling mistake found.
knowledges
in the sake of their major occupations and become a well-learned person in the specific field of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
study
, which
is related
to their career.

In approaching this issue based on the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fact
mentioned in third paragraph, one should consider another subtle point
meticulously
that; the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
focus on their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
studies
have more spare times; as result of, fewer duties. In
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fact
, they can spend the more time to charge the energy which
is required
in their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
studies
;
besides
, increase their success ratio in their training progresses. According to the noteworthy
refreshingly
intelligible statistics released by a recent research conducted in our country, more than the
This word is normally spelled with hyphen.
sixty five
percent of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
do their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
studies
are more successful in their education
rather
than the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
handle the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
studies
and the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
in the same time.

To wrap it up, all aforementioned
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
reasons
and examples leads us to the conclusion that shining the light to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
tasks
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
the long term career can
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lead
to more difficulties for the individuals and public.
9Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
45Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
4Mistakes

IELTS essay Young people should try several different jobs before they take a long term career. v. 763

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
470 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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