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In some countries there are many problems involving teenagers. Some people think it is because parents spend much time at work not home. Do you agree or disagree? v.1

In some countries there are many problems involving teenagers. Some people think it is because parents spend much time at work not home. v. 1
Younger people now-a-days are prone to bad habits and were indulging in several illegal activities. Few individuals consider this situation as a consequence of improper parental care. I agree with this belief and In this essay I am going to provide the reasons with suitable examples. Firstly, I believe that parents are the actual tutors for the younger ones. If they don't allocate an adequate amount of time with the children, adolescence cannot develop personally and mentally. Therefore parental guidance plays a the crucial role in the growth of the offspring. For an instance, in a recent crime survey which was conducted in India, some of the bigger cities such as Mumbai and Hyderabad were recorded as cities with top most youth crime rate. Secondly, in the current society, individuals are more concerned about their work due to numerous factors such as tight schedules in the project and over work load. Ultimately, they have to stretch out of office hours in order to accomplish the given tasks. Therefore, they are not even spending a minimum duration of time with their children, which is a shameful aspect. Finally, this leads to stupid behaviour in kids as they were not receiving affection from their parents. For an instance, In the year 2019, Times of New York has reported a huge increase in child abuse cases in the US. To conclude, I strongly believe that teenagers were getting spoiled due to the lack of parental care. This situation cannot be improved unless and until parents change their attitude. Thus, elder people are the key to the child's success.
Younger
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
-a-days are prone to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
habits and were indulging in several illegal activities. Few individuals consider this situation as a consequence of improper parental care. I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with this belief and In this essay I am going to provide the reasons with suitable examples.

Firstly
, I believe that parents are the actual tutors for the younger ones. If they don't allocate an adequate amount of time with the children, adolescence cannot develop
personally
and mentally.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Therefore
parental guidance plays
Maybe you need to remove one determiner so that only "a" or "the" is left.
a the
crucial role in the growth of the offspring. For an instance, in a recent crime survey which
was conducted
in India,
If the text is a generality, 'of the' is not necessary. Did you mean "some"?
some of the
bigger cities such as Mumbai and Hyderabad
were recorded
as cities with top most youth crime rate.

Secondly
, in the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
current
society, individuals are more concerned about their work due to numerous factors such as tight schedules in the project and over work load.
Ultimately
, they
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
stretch
Did you mean "out-of-office"?
out of office
hours in order to accomplish the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
tasks.
Therefore
, they are not even spending a minimum duration of time with their children, which is a shameful aspect.
Finally
, this leads to stupid
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
in kids as they were not receiving affection from their parents. For an instance, In the year 2019, Times of New York has reported a huge increase in child abuse cases in the US.

To conclude
, I
strongly
believe that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
were getting spoiled due to the lack of parental care. This situation cannot be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improved
unless and until parents
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
their attitude.
Thus
, elder
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
are the key to the child's success.
8.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8.5Mistakes
Language shapes the way we think, and determines what we can think about.
Benjamin Lee Whorf

IELTS essay In some countries there are many problems involving teenagers. Some people think it is because parents spend much time at work not home. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
265 words
8.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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