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In some countries, the government has tried to reduce traffic. For instance, they imposed a congestion tax during rush hour. Do you think this development is positive or negative? v.1

In some countries, the government has tried to reduce traffic. For instance, they imposed a congestion tax during rush hour. Do you think this development is positive or negative? v. 1
You must have experienced the frustration when driving in busy hours. Actually, the government has tried numerous ways to bring down the congestion, but mostly in vain. Recently,  it has been proposed that anyone who drives in commuting hours pay a considerable amount of tax. I believe this proposal will effectively solve the traffic problem in the city. First, if this proposal is put into effect, many drivers will choose not to drive during commuting hours. They may take public transportation or wait until after busy hours, which means there will be fewer vehicles in this period and the congestion problem will be much less severe. Let's just do some simple calculations here. Suppose the amount keeps 1/4 of all drivers from driving at all in congested hours and encourages another 1/4 to use other means of transportation rather than driving their own cars, the number of cars in rush hours can be reduced by half. If this really happens, we will never have to worry about the commuting hour any more. Then, when the traffic problem is gone,  other benefits will follow closely. For instance, the city will become quieter without the angry horns, the air will become cleaner when the carbon dioxide emission is halved. Most important of all, people, especially those commuters will be able to make it to where they work on time and in good mood, and accordingly, their work efficiency will improve. The importance of congestion tax may bring about some problems of course. For example, those driving in rush hour have to pay an extra sum of money, and those not driving in a traffic jam will put some pressure on the public transportation which has already been very crowded. Nevertheless,  I am still supportive of the tax proposal because compared with the solution it promises, the problems it causes are far less important.
You
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
have experienced the frustration when
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
driving
in busy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hours
. Actually, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
has tried numerous ways to bring down the congestion,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
 
mostly
in vain. Recently,
Possible typo: you repeated a whitespace
 
it has
been proposed
that anyone who drives in commuting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hours
pay a considerable amount of tax. I believe this proposal will
effectively
solve the traffic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problem
in the city.

First
, if this proposal 
is put
into effect,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
drivers will choose not to drive during commuting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hours
. They may take public transportation or wait until after busy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hours
, which means there will be fewer vehicles in this period and the congestion
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problem
will be much less severe.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Let
's
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
do
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
simple calculations here. Suppose the amount
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keeps
1/4 of all drivers from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
driving
at all in congested
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hours
and encourages another 1/4 to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
other means of transportation
rather
than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
driving
their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
cars, the number of cars in rush
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hours
can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduced
by half. If this
really
happens, we will never
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
worry about the commuting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hour
Did you mean the adverb "anymore"?
any more
.

Then, when the traffic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problem
is gone
,
Possible typo: you repeated a whitespace
 
other benefits will follow
closely
.
For instance
, the city will become quieter without the angry horns, the air will become cleaner when the carbon dioxide emission
is halved
. Most
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
of all,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
,
especially
those commuters will be able to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
it to where they work on time and in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
mood, and
accordingly
, their work efficiency will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
.

The importance of congestion tax may bring about
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problems
of course
.
For example
, those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
driving
in rush
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hour
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
pay an extra sum of money, and those not
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
driving
in a traffic jam will put
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
pressure on the public transportation which has already been
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
crowded.
Nevertheless
,
Possible typo: you repeated a whitespace
 
I am
still
supportive of the tax proposal
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
compared with the solution it promises, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problems
it causes are far less
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
.
9Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
18Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
4Mistakes

IELTS essay In some countries, the government has tried to reduce traffic. For instance, they imposed a congestion tax during rush hour. Do you think this development is positive or negative? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
303 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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