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In some countries the average weight of people is increasing, and their levels of health and fitness are decreasing. What do you think are the causes of these problems and what measures could be taken to solve them? v.18

In some countries the average weight of people is increasing, and their levels of health and fitness are decreasing. What do you think are the causes of these problems and what measures could be taken to solve them? v. 18
It is certainly true that the number of overweight people is growing in some countries, and this problem affects levels of well-being fitness. There are several causes of this problem and various measures can be tackled by the government and individuals to improve this situation. More and more people have been obesity, due to many causes. Firstly, young people opt to eat a fast snack because it is convenient; however, if people consume too much prepackaged snacks, it will affect the state of health. For example, American is one of the countries where there are many overweight citizens due to eating a lot of starchy products. Secondly, people usually are busy working; therefore, they forget to care their body. Obviously, sedentary lifestyle will make fitness of people becoming weaker. For instance, office jobs require people to sit long hours; thus, it damages health, and this causes the obesity disease. There is some the method to solve this problem. The first point, nutritious food helps people keep down weight; so, people should choose to eat the wealth of protein food and cutting out processed cooking. To illustrate, people should use many vegetables in the meal because they contain less calories. Finally, the administration encourages inhabitants to lose weight through behaviour change. Obviously, exercise plays a vital role in controlling weight and preventing obesity; therefore, the government need to give necessary information to improve overweight status of citizens. In conclusion, the consumption of unhealthy food and physical inaction cause increasing overweight rate in countries; nevertheless, this trouble can be improved by the government and individuals such as people should consume lots of vegetables and usually exercise.
It is
certainly
true that the number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
overweight
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
is growing in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
countries, and this problem affects levels of well-being fitness. There are several
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
causes
of this problem and various measures can
be tackled
by the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
and individuals to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
this situation.

More and more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
have been obesity, due to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
causes
.
Firstly
, young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
opt to eat a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
snack
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it is convenient;
however
, if
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
consume too much prepackaged snacks, it will affect the state of health.
For example
, American is one of the countries where there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
overweight
citizens due to eating
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
starchy products.
Secondly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
usually
are busy working;
therefore
, they forget to care their body.
Obviously
, sedentary lifestyle will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
fitness of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
becoming weaker.
For instance
, office jobs require
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to sit long hours;
thus
, it damages health, and this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
causes
the obesity disease.

There is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
the method to solve this problem. The
first
point, nutritious food
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
down weight;
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
should choose to eat the wealth of protein food and cutting out processed cooking. To illustrate,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
vegetables in the meal
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they contain
Did you mean "fewer calories"?
less calories
.
Finally
, the administration encourages inhabitants to lose weight through
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
.
Obviously
, exercise plays a vital role in controlling weight and preventing obesity;
therefore
, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
need to give necessary information to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
overweight
status of citizens.

In conclusion
, the consumption of unhealthy food and physical inaction
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cause
increasing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
overweight
rate in countries;
nevertheless
, this trouble can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improved
by the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
and individuals such as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
should consume lots of vegetables and
usually
exercise.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay In some countries the average weight of people is increasing, and their levels of health and fitness are decreasing. What do you think are the causes of these problems and what measures could be taken to solve them? v. 18

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
274 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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