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There are serval factor that motivate people to stay in workforce. Among them, money is the most important factor /reason for the same. To what extent do you agree or disagree? v.1

There are serval factor that motivate people to stay in workforce. Among them, money is the most important factor /reason for the same. v. 1
Nowadays, the internet has become popular in the world. Many people are watching the latest news on the internet and newspapers are less important to young people. I strongly agreed with access to the latest news on the internet. The first reason is watching the news on the internet is convenient for viewers. Many people have a computer and phones so that they can view the latest news on the internet anytime and anywhere and also they can watch the news on the internet when they have free time to view. For example, some of the people are very busy and they have free time at night or after work. Other than that, some of the people just can watch the news when they cannot go out such as in quarantine and so on. The second reason is watching the news on the internet may not be charged the extra fees. Some of the people believe that watching the news on the internet is free and no need to pay the fees. And the costs of newspapers are more expensive than the news on the internet. For example, if we want to watch the news in traditional newspapers, we have to go out and pay the fees of newspapers. In conclusion, I agree to access to the latest news on the internet. Although the newspapers are popular, it also will replaced totally by electronic sources like news on the internet. The reasons are watching the news on the internet is convenient for viewers and watching the news on the internet may not be charged the extra fees.
Nowadays, the internet has become popular in the world.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are watching the latest
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
news
on the internet and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
newspapers
are less
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
to young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
. I
strongly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agreed
with access to the latest
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
news
on the internet.

The
first
reason is watching the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
news
on the internet is convenient for viewers.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
have a computer and phones
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that they can view the latest
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
news
on the internet anytime and anywhere and
also
they can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
watch
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
news
on the internet when they have free time to view.
For example
,
If the text is a generality, 'of the' is not necessary. Did you mean "some"?
some of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
busy and
they have free time at night or after work. Other than that,
If the text is a generality, 'of the' is not necessary. Did you mean "some"?
some of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
watch
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
news
when they cannot go out such as in quarantine and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
on.

The second reason is watching the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
news
on the internet may not
be charged
the extra
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fees
.
If the text is a generality, 'of the' is not necessary. Did you mean "some"?
Some of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
believe that watching the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
news
on the internet is free and no need to pay the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fees
. And the costs of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
newspapers
are more expensive than the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
news
on the internet.
For example
, if we want to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
watch
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
news
in traditional
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
newspapers
, we
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
go out and pay the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fees
of newspapers.

In conclusion
, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
to access to the latest
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
news
on the internet. Although the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
newspapers
are popular, it
also
will
The verb 'will' requires the base form of the verb: "replace"
replaced
totally
by electronic sources like
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
news
on the internet. The reasons are watching the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
news
on the internet is convenient for viewers and watching the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
news
on the internet may not
be charged
the extra
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fees
.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay There are serval factor that motivate people to stay in workforce. Among them, money is the most important factor /reason for the same. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
267 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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