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In some countries the average weight of people is increasing and their levels of health and fitness are decreasing. What do you think are the causes of these problems and what measures can be taken to solve them? v.17

In some countries the average weight of people is increasing and their levels of health and fitness are decreasing. What do you think are the causes of these problems and what measures can be taken to solve them? v. 17
Some people believe that individuals who visit foreign countries are more open-minded than people who do not travel, and they readily accept and adapt to other cultures. Personally, I agree with this statement because of the reasons which will be discussed in the following essay. To begin with, travelling allows people to interact with different cultures, and, as a result, this social interaction can affect their personality to a great extent. In other words, when people go to different countries, they have to face unfamiliar situations and deal with diverse people. Experiencing such strange circumstances does not only make them broaden their horizon but also make them more adaptable to people in different circumstances. According to a University of California study, people who travel more become more tolerant to change, and therefore, they become more accepting when it comes to different cultures. Conversely, people who are not exposed to different cultures by travelling might be narrow-minded compared to people who travel overseas frequently. Before people start travelling, it is easy to get into a comfortable little corner where the world revolves around what they believe, and what they believe is shaped by what their parents taught them and what they hear on the local news. Therefore, it is not only extremely challenging for them to embrace change, but also it is inconvenient for them to understand and accept people who live a different lifestyle. In conclusion, people who travel more learn acceptance and tolerance to others because they are exposed to various cultures, whereas people who do not travel are less open to understanding other individuals. Personally, I believe that this statement is accurate.
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Some
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people
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believe
that individuals
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who
visit foreign countries are more open-minded than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
do not
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
travel
, and they
readily
accept and adapt to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cultures
.
Personally
, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with this statement
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of the reasons which will
be discussed
in the following essay.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, travelling
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allows
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to interact with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
different
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cultures
, and,
as a result
, this social interaction can affect their personality to a great extent. In
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
words, when
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
go to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
different
countries, they
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
face unfamiliar situations and deal with diverse
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
. Experiencing such strange circumstances does not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
them broaden their horizon
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but
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
them more adaptable to
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people
in
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different
circumstances. According to a University of California study,
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people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
travel
more become more tolerant to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
, and
therefore
, they become more accepting when it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
comes
to
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different
cultures.

Conversely
,
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people
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who
are not exposed to
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different
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cultures
by travelling might be narrow-minded compared to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
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travel
overseas
frequently
.
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Before
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people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
travelling, it is easy to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
into a comfortable
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
little
corner where the world revolves around what they
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
believe
, and what they
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
believe
is shaped
by what their parents taught them and what they hear on the local news.
Therefore
, it is not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
extremely
challenging for them to embrace
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
it is inconvenient for them to understand and accept
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people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
different
lifestyle.

In conclusion
,
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people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
travel
more learn acceptance and tolerance to others
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they
are exposed
to various
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cultures
, whereas
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
do not
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
travel
are less open to understanding
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
individuals.
Personally
, I
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
believe
that this statement is accurate.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
If you talk to a man in a language he understands, that goes to his head. If you talk to him in his own language, that goes to his heart.
Nelson Mandela

IELTS essay In some countries the average weight of people is increasing and their levels of health and fitness are decreasing. What do you think are the causes of these problems and what measures can be taken to solve them? v. 17

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
274 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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