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In some countries the average weight of people is increasing and their levels of health and fitness are decreasing. What do you think are the causes of these problems and what measures could be taken to solve them? v.14

In some countries the average weight of people is increasing and their levels of health and fitness are decreasing. What do you think are the causes of these problems and what measures could be taken to solve them? v. 14
Nowadays, we are suffering many problems, which are namely as obesity and illness or even cancer, as the result of the development of modern advancements in our life. The main reason for this might come from our mortal life and the rise of chemical products and unhealthy food. This can be solved by taking regular exercise and using more healthy foods. First of all, in developing and developed countries, the quality of food is being improved by the technology. However, the thing along with that is recently many unhealthy and fat products such as fast food are cheaper and have a significant amount of consumption. This has been the cause of the increase of general weight of citizens living in big cities where people are so busy that use fatty foods is a normal daily activity. For example, in the government's report posted by Vietnam Express, more than 40% of children from 10 to 18 in Vietnam are getting obese for many reasons. However, having so much unhealthy food with high calories, also without having daily exercise or playing sport, is the main cause and many of them had gone to hospitals because of blood pressure and cancer. However, this can be changed by practicing and doing physical activities like yoga or sport. This will have you not only decrease your weight but also improve your health level and fitness that can protect yourself from disease. Also using vegetables and fruits frequently instead of fast food is a magnificent way to maintain your heath efficiently. To take an instance, also in that report, it was claimed that teaching and creating an opportunity for students to do workouts and using fresh foods has improved dramatically the number of obesity in schools. In conclusion, there are still many people that struggle with many diseases because of their laziness, nonetheless, hard-working practicing and having a diet will be the best method to improve our life.
Nowadays, we are suffering
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
problems, which are
namely
as obesity and illness or even cancer, as the result of the development of modern advancements in our life. The main reason for this might
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
from our mortal life and the rise of chemical products and unhealthy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
. This can
be solved
by taking regular exercise and using more healthy foods.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, in developing and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
developed countries
, the quality of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
is being
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improved
by the technology.
However
, the thing along with
that is
recently
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
unhealthy and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
fat
products such as
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
are cheaper and have a significant amount of consumption. This has been the cause of the increase of general weight of citizens living in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
cities where
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
busy that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
fatty
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
foods
is a normal daily activity.
For example
, in the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
's report posted by Vietnam Express, more than 40% of children from 10 to 18 in Vietnam are getting obese for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
reasons.
However
, having
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
much unhealthy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
with high calories,
also
without having daily exercise or playing sport, is the main cause and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
of them had gone to hospitals
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of blood pressure and cancer.

However
, this can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changed
by practicing and doing physical activities like yoga or sport. This will have you not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
decrease your weight
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
your health level and fitness that can protect yourself from disease.
Also
using vegetables and fruits
frequently
instead
of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
is a magnificent way to maintain your heath
efficiently
. To take an instance,
also
in that report, it
was claimed
that teaching and creating an opportunity for students to do workouts and using fresh
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
foods
has
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improved
dramatically
the number of obesity in schools.

In conclusion
, there are
still
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
that struggle with
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
diseases
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of their laziness, nonetheless,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
-working practicing and having a diet will be the best method to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
our life.
15Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
1Mistakes
Language is the road map of a culture. It tells you where its people come from and where they are going.
Rita Mae Brown

IELTS essay In some countries the average weight of people is increasing and their levels of health and fitness are decreasing. What do you think are the causes of these problems and what measures could be taken to solve them? v. 14

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
322 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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