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In some countries the average weight of people is increasing and their levels of health and fitness are decreasing. What do you think are the causes of these problems and what measures could be taken to solve them? v.10

In some countries the average weight of people is increasing and their levels of health and fitness are decreasing. What do you think are the causes of these problems and what measures could be taken to solve them? v. 10
It is argued that many people nowadays aren't healthy when compared to people in the 1990s. One of the main reasons of this issue is obesity especially seen in younger people. There are many factors to this problem, and I certainly believe that we can solve this matter at hand if the proper steps are taken. One of the main causes of weight gain in people is that there is a huge hike in the number of fast food chains. In other words, many restaurants such as McDonalds, KFC and Popeyes have opened up in recent times, and this has encouraged people to buy from them due to easy access. One of my friends, for example, used to weigh only 115 pounds and because of a restaurant that open its doors right next to her house, she started buying food from them which eventually made her gain 50 pounds in a span of just one month. That is why, a growing number of such restaurants have impacted people's health negatively. One solution for this issue could be charging higher taxes on such companies which would eventually shoot prices up and thereby discourage people from buying from them. Secondly, pricey gym memberships is another factor for obesity in people. To be specific, in order to be more profitable, gyms have increased their membership prices overtime thus demotivating people from working out. To quote, I personally used to like excercising at my nearest gym until the workout centre hiked its membership price. For obvious reasons, I quit going there which discouraged me from working out altogether, thereby contributing to my weight gain. One measure for this problem could be providing incentives to excercise centres which would help them reduce their prices. In conclusion, the positive health rate of people have been in a decreasing trend partly because of obesity. Furthermore, weight gain in people is more common nowadays due to a peak in the amount of fast food chains and increasing gym membership prices.
It
is argued
that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
nowadays aren't healthy when compared to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in the 1990s. One of the main reasons of this issue is obesity
especially
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
in younger
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
. There are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
factors to this problem, and I
certainly
believe that we can solve this matter at hand if the proper steps
are taken
.

One of the main causes of weight
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
gain
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
If 'people' is plural here, don't use the third-person singular verb.
is
that there is a huge hike in the number of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
food chains.
In other words
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
restaurants such as
Did you mean the fast food chain "McDonald's" (always spelled with a possessive apostrophe)?
McDonalds
, KFC and
Possible spelling mistake found.
Popeyes
have opened up in recent times, and this has encouraged
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
from them due to easy access. One of my friends,
for example
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to weigh
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
Writing for an international audience? Consider adding the metric equivalent.
115 pounds
and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of a restaurant that open its doors right
next
to her
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
house
, she
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
started
buying food from them which
eventually
made her
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
gain
Writing for an international audience? Consider adding the metric equivalent.
50 pounds
in a span of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
one month.
That is
why, a growing number of such restaurants have impacted
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
's health
negatively
. One solution for this issue could be charging higher taxes on such
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
which would
eventually
shoot
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
prices
up and thereby discourage
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
from buying from them.

Secondly
, pricey
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
gym
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
memberships
is another factor for obesity in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
. To be specific, in order to be more profitable,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
gyms
have increased their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
membership
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
prices
overtime
thus
demotivating
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
from working out. To quote, I
personally
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to like
Possible spelling mistake found.
excercising
at my nearest
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
gym
until the workout
Possible spelling mistake. 'centre' is British English.
centre
hiked its
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
membership
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
price
. For obvious reasons, I quit going there which discouraged me from working out altogether, thereby contributing to my weight
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
gain
. One measure for this problem could be providing incentives to
Possible spelling mistake found.
excercise
Possible spelling mistake. 'centres' is British English.
centres
which would
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
their prices.

In conclusion
, the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
health rate of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
have been in a decreasing trend partly
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of obesity.
Furthermore
, weight
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
gain
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
If 'people' is plural here, don't use the third-person singular verb.
is
more common nowadays due to a peak in the amount of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
food chains and increasing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
gym
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
membership
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
prices
.
12Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
26Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
10Mistakes

IELTS essay In some countries the average weight of people is increasing and their levels of health and fitness are decreasing. What do you think are the causes of these problems and what measures could be taken to solve them? v. 10

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
332 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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