Do you want to improve your writing? Try our new evaluation service and get detailed feedback.
Check Your Text it's free

In some countries, the average weight of people is increasing and their level of health and fitness is decreasing. v.20

In some countries, the average weight of people is increasing and their level of health and fitness is decreasing. v. 20
Throughout history, humans faced a wide range of illnesses. Some of the ailments rely on region and country but some parts of illnesses depend on culture. Yet there are some health issues which are global, for example, obesity which is one of the mankind’s malicious problems, regardless of the race and region. In addition, during recent years, overweight and obesity increased so much that people and government should consider this issue very seriously. 21st century and technology advancement of it brought us computers, televisions, mobile phones, cars, lifts etc. Those gadgets, tools and devices prevent people from moving and compelling them to sit. So it is clear that one origin of obesity is overusing of computers, cars and televisions. Moreover, people don’t join sports clubs and don’t care with regard to doing regular exercise and this leads to unhealthy human generation. Furthermore, the fast food industry has the biggest impact on our health. Unhealthy foods with high fat, low nutrition, less use of vegetables, conservative items in foods are just some part of dark sides of this industry and obviously, this industry is the greatest factor in this obesity and health problem matters. Handling this problem requires the support of government and they should be worried regarding the health issues of people. In some European countries, government obliged people to do exercise at least 5 hours per week. In addition, America legislates a rule that in line with it each person must eat at least 7 house maid meals per week. People need to be aware of their health. A healthy lifestyle, balance diet, exercise, outdoor activities can reduce this problem to a great extent. To sum up, it can be argued that there are industries which invite us to taste their cheap, delicious and also unhealthy food. However, governments restricted those industries but people should care about their health personally and teach their children with regard to this matter.
Throughout history, humans faced a wide range of illnesses.
If the text is a generality, 'of the' is not necessary. Did you mean "some"?
Some of the
ailments rely on region and country
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
parts of illnesses depend on culture.
Yet
there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
issues which are global,
for example
, obesity which is one of the mankind’s malicious
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problems
, regardless of the race and region.
In addition
, during recent years, overweight and obesity increased
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
much that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
should consider this issue
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
seriously
.

21st century and technology advancement of it brought us computers, televisions, mobile phones, cars, lifts etc. Those gadgets, tools and devices
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevent
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
from moving and compelling them to sit.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
it is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
that one origin of obesity is overusing of computers, cars and televisions.
Moreover
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
don’t
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
join
sports clubs and don’t care with regard to doing regular exercise and this leads to unhealthy human generation.
Furthermore
, the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
industry
has the biggest impact on our
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
. Unhealthy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
foods
with high
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
fat
, low nutrition, less
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
of vegetables, conservative items in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
foods
are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
part of dark sides of this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
industry
and
obviously
, this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
industry
is the greatest factor in this obesity and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problem
matters.

Handling this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problem
requires the support of
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
government and
they should
be worried
regarding the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
issues of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
. In
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
European countries,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
obliged
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to do exercise at least 5 hours per week.
In addition
, America legislates a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
rule
that in line with it each person
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
eat at least 7
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
house
maid meals per week.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
need to be aware of their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
. A healthy lifestyle, balance diet, exercise, outdoor activities can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problem
to a great extent.

To sum up, it can
be argued
that there are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
industries
which invite us to taste their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
cheap
, delicious and
also
unhealthy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
.
However
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
governments
restricted those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
industries
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
should care about their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
personally
and teach their children with regard to this matter.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
30Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes

IELTS essay In some countries, the average weight of people is increasing and their level of health and fitness is decreasing. v. 20

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
320 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
Similar posts


Recent posts