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In some countries, the average weight of people is increasing and their level of health and fitness is decreasing. v.22

In some countries, the average weight of people is increasing and their level of health and fitness is decreasing. v. 22
There are several reasons that cause the health's breadth and fitness decreased whereas people's average weight increased. Honestly, this is a serious problem for health. Nonetheless, it can be solved by some thoughtful and prudent attempts. First of all, it is related to the job. Some people, who work in the office, always have a long time in the office since early morning until night for six days and probably they just have a day to take rest. Because of that, they think that there is no rest time, so the amount of food consumption always raises but the sports programs like fitness is never done by them. When they have a leisure time, of course, they just sleep. In addition, one of the reasons of their weight is never doing sports although they are workers. Furthermore, the activities of jobless, some people who are spending their time in their houses, just eat and sleep without doing any physical exercises like jogging. These activities enforce them to achieve a high weight and making the obesity problem. Fast food outlets and people’s dependency on them is another reason for obesity. To solve this problem, individuals need to put more concern on their own health. They should take a balanced diet, lead a healthy life, do some exercises daily and take advice from physicians. The government can take many initiatives like adding more sports facilities in the community; strictly control the junk food outlets, and encourage people to walk or use bicycles on the roads. In conclusion, while they are workers or jobless they must be able to manage their time to balance the time for work, rest and doing sports like jogging. Although it is a simple sport but has a big impact on health. By doing this, the average of weight and health will balance.
There are several reasons that cause the health's breadth and fitness decreased whereas
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
's average
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
weight
increased.
Honestly
, this is a serious problem for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
. Nonetheless, it can
be solved
by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
thoughtful and prudent attempts.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, it
is related
to the job.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
, who work in the office, always have a long
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
in the office since early morning until night for six days and
probably
they
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
have a day to take rest.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Because
of that, they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that there is no rest
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
the amount of food consumption always raises
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
programs like fitness is never done by them. When they have a leisure
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
,
of course
, they
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
sleep.
In addition
, one of the reasons of their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
weight
is never
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
doing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
although they are workers.

Furthermore
, the activities of jobless,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who are spending their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
in their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
houses
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
eat and sleep without
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
doing
any physical exercises like jogging. These activities enforce them to achieve a high
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
weight
and making the obesity problem.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Fast
food outlets and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people’s
dependency on them is another reason for obesity.

To solve this problem, individuals need to put more concern on their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
. They should take a balanced diet, lead a healthy life, do
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
exercises daily and take advice from physicians. The
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
can take
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
initiatives like adding more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
facilities in the community;
strictly
control the junk food outlets, and encourage
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to walk or
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
bicycles on the roads.

In conclusion
, while they are workers or jobless they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
be able to manage their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
to balance the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
for work, rest and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
doing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
like jogging. Although it is a simple
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sport
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
has a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
impact on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
. By
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
doing
this, the average of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
weight
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
will balance.
5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
27Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
1Mistakes

IELTS essay In some countries, the average weight of people is increasing and their level of health and fitness is decreasing. v. 22

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
305 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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