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In some countries, the average weight of people is increasing and their level of health and fitness is decreasing. v.24

In some countries, the average weight of people is increasing and their level of health and fitness is decreasing. v. 24
It is believed that people in some countries are gaining more weight and their health and fitness are deteriorating. In my opinion, unhealthy lifestyle and sedentary nature of work are the main reasons for these health issues. Firstly, people are becoming lazy and they want everything without making any effort. People who are unlikely to do exercise regularly are more prone to gain more weight. In addition, due to development in modern technology, most of the works are done through machines at home. For example, people use washing machines to do their laundry which does not require any physical effort. Furthermore, people consume fast foods increasingly that are rich in calorie. Secondly, many people in developed countries spend most of their tie in front of computers, sitting in the chair whole day. Moreover, people do not walk to their office, even if it is at walking distance. They do not want to use the staircase, but elevator and lift are being used in every building and office. This is certainly contributing considerably to add unnecessary body weight. Finally, to tackle these serious health issues, simple but regular physical exercise can be helpful. In addition to exercise, people need to reduce intake of high-calorie food on a daily basis. Taking a short walk to purchase vegetables, daily, instead of driving a car or commuting to office by foot, if it is near, can improve health to some extent. In conclusion, to reduce these pressing health issues of increasing unnecessary body weight, people should do physical exercise regularly and avoid consuming too much fat.
It
is believed
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
countries are gaining more weight and their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
and fitness are deteriorating. In my opinion, unhealthy lifestyle and sedentary nature of work are the main reasons for these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
issues.

Firstly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are becoming
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
lazy and
they want everything without making any effort.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
who are unlikely to do
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
exercise
regularly
are more prone to gain more weight.
In addition
, due to development in modern technology, most of the works
are done
through machines at home.
For example
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
washing machines to do their laundry which does not require any physical effort.
Furthermore
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
consume
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
foods
increasingly
that are rich in calorie.

Secondly
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
developed countries
spend most of their tie in front of computers, sitting in the chair whole day.
Moreover
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
do not walk to their office, even if it is at walking distance. They do not want to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
the staircase,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
elevator and lift are being
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
in every building and office. This is
certainly
contributing
considerably
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
add
unnecessary body weight.

Finally
, to tackle these serious
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
issues, simple
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
regular physical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
exercise
can be helpful.
In addition
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
exercise
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
need to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
intake of high-calorie food on a daily basis. Taking a short walk to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
purchase
vegetables, daily,
instead
of driving a car or commuting to office by foot, if it is near, can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
extent.

In conclusion
, to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
these pressing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
issues of increasing unnecessary body weight,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
should do physical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
exercise
regularly
and avoid consuming too much
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
fat
.
10Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
18Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
1Mistakes

IELTS essay In some countries, the average weight of people is increasing and their level of health and fitness is decreasing. v. 24

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
262 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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