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In some countries, the average weight of people is increasing and their level of health and fitness is decreasing. v.17

In some countries, the average weight of people is increasing and their level of health and fitness is decreasing. v. 17
Obesity is progressing worldwide and the number of overweight population is increasing in many countries. Moreover, physical fitness and health status is deteriorating. I believed that environment, inactive lifestyle and food industry are just some of the causes leading people to overweight. These problems can be resolved but thoughtful lifestyle and food habit should be changed. Fast food places are everywhere. People often buy foods to save money and time from those fast food shops. However, fast foods have a lack of nutrients and contain fats and sugars in a high amount which can cause health problems later on. Moreover, physical inactivity and laziness linked to the advancement of technology encourage obesity. For example, most individuals prefer to stay at home and they either work on their computers or play with their gadgets rather than going outside for a walk or doing outdoor activities. Another reason is the invention of cars and motorcycles which are convenient for travellers but a passive way of transportation thus resulting in decreasing of physical fitness. In addition, the food industry has a great impact on society. For an instance, food advertisements sometimes mislead the consumers by giving false information and sway people to buy high caloric foods. The solution should start within individual's efforts and supports from the government. Each and every one of us is responsible for looking after ourselves. Engaging in physical activities, providing our body with healthy & nutritious diets, avoiding vices can lead toward life betterment. The other solution would be a support coming from the government such as promoting physical activity programs in the community. An example of this is to have a free outdoor exercises or dance at the park. This can be an effective way to persuade people to be physically active while enjoying others company. Also, implementing of proper food education at school and having a healthy set of meals at the canteen help the students to receive the nutrients they need. To conclude, there are several factors that can affect the rising number of obesity population and decline of physical fitness and level of health. These can be solved with collaboration between government programs and people's efforts towards a healthy society.
Obesity is progressing worldwide and the number of overweight population is increasing in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
countries.
Moreover
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
physical
fitness and health status is deteriorating. I believed that environment, inactive lifestyle and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
industry are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
If the text is a generality, 'of the' is not necessary. Did you mean "some"?
some of the
causes leading
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to overweight. These problems can
be resolved
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
thoughtful lifestyle and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
habit should be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changed
.

This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Fast
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
places are everywhere.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
foods
to save money and time from those
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
shops.
However
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
foods
have a lack of nutrients and contain fats and sugars in a high amount which can cause health problems later on.
Moreover
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
physical
inactivity and laziness linked to the advancement of technology encourage obesity.
For example
, most individuals prefer to stay at
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
home and
they either work on their computers or play with their gadgets
rather
than going outside for a walk or doing outdoor activities. Another reason is the invention of cars and motorcycles which are convenient for
Possible spelling mistake found.
travellers
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
a passive way of transportation
thus
resulting in decreasing of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
physical
fitness.
In addition
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
industry has a great impact on society. For an instance,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
advertisements
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sometimes
mislead the consumers by giving false information and sway
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
high caloric foods.

The solution should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
within individual's efforts and supports from the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
.
Consider using "Each one".
Each and every one
of us is responsible for looking after ourselves. Engaging in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
physical
activities, providing our body with healthy & nutritious diets, avoiding vices can lead toward life betterment. The other solution would be a support coming from the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
such as promoting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
physical
activity programs in the community. An example of this is to have a free outdoor exercises or dance at the park. This can be an effective way to persuade
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to be
physically
active while enjoying others
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
.
Also
, implementing of proper
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
education at school and having a healthy set of meals at the canteen
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
the students to receive the nutrients they need.

To conclude
, there are several factors that can affect the rising number of obesity population and decline of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
physical
fitness and level of health. These can
be solved
with collaboration between
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
programs and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
's efforts towards a healthy society.
10Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
19Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
4Mistakes

IELTS essay In some countries, the average weight of people is increasing and their level of health and fitness is decreasing. v. 17

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
366 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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