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In some countries the average weight of people is increasing and their leaves of health and fitness are decreasing. What do you think are the causes of these problems and what measures could be taken to solve them? v.1

In some countries the average weight of people is increasing and their leaves of health and fitness are decreasing. What do you think are the causes of these problems and what measures could be taken to solve them? v. 1
Over the past few decades, the number of people becoming overweight has risen in terms of declining of a regular physical activity. The issue of over-weighting can be addressed by individuals and the government as I will discuss further in the following essay. To start with, there has been a significant increase in the number of the population getting overweight and the possible reason for this is that they may not have enough time to exercise after work. In other words, they are so exhausted because of long hours work and high pressure work environments, and they, therefore, prefer to sit in front of televisions or computers after work, rather than use the time to do physical activities. A good idea to solve this problem is that the government should subsidise the budget on companies for the fitness facilities can be mounted. The further step can improve this problem is that the companies should ask their employee to do the exercises before leaving work places. I think the most obvious solution for people is they should participate in a wide rage of outdoor activities on weekends and it might increase the opportunity for exercising. In addition to doing physical activities, the second factor which has led to an over-weighting problem is there are many food choices, where people could pick up whatever they eat. Due to this abundant option of food, people would eat outside rather than cook at home, such as they may have fast food to eat frequently. In order to make a solution for this problem, the government should impose a high tax on fast food and the advertisement should be banned on the television. Another resolution for individuals is that adjusting the prices of various vegetables and fresh fruits could attract people's attention, they would consider eating them because of the prices. In conclusion, although the possible causes may be lacking in exercise and eating unhealthy cuisine, and as long as the government and individuals take joint responsibility, the potential body problems can be alleviated.
Over the past few decades, the number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
becoming overweight has risen in terms of declining of a regular physical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activity
. The issue of over-weighting can
be addressed
by individuals and the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
as I will discuss
further
in the following essay.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
with, there has been a significant increase in the number of the population getting overweight and the possible reason for this is that they may not have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
time to exercise after
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
.
In other words
, they are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
exhausted
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of long hours
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
and high pressure
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
environments, and they,
therefore
, prefer to sit in front of televisions or computers after
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
,
rather
than
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
the time to do physical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
. A
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
to solve this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problem
is that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
should
Possible spelling mistake. 'subsidise' is British English.
subsidise
the budget on
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
for the fitness facilities can
be mounted
. The
further
step can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problem
is that the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
should ask their employee to do the exercises
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
leaving
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
places. I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
the most obvious solution for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
If 'people' is plural here, don't use the third-person singular verb.
is
they should participate in a wide rage of outdoor
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
on weekends and it might increase the opportunity for exercising.

In addition
to doing physical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
, the second factor which has led to an over-weighting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problem
is there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
choices, where
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
could pick up whatever they eat. Due to this abundant option of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
would eat outside
rather
than cook at home, such as they may have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
to eat
frequently
. In order to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
a solution for this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problem
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
should impose a high tax on
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
and the advertisement should
be banned
on the television. Another resolution for individuals is that adjusting the prices of various vegetables and fresh fruits could attract
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
's attention, they would consider eating them
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of the prices.

In conclusion
, although the possible causes may be lacking in exercise and eating unhealthy cuisine, and as long as the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
and individuals take joint responsibility, the potential body
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problems
can
be alleviated
.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8Mistakes

IELTS essay In some countries the average weight of people is increasing and their leaves of health and fitness are decreasing. What do you think are the causes of these problems and what measures could be taken to solve them? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
339 words
8
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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