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In some countries, the average weight of children is increasing and their level of health and fitness is decreasing. What do you think are the cause of these problems and what measures could be taken to solve them? v.1

In some countries, the average weight of children is increasing and their level of health and fitness is decreasing. What do you think are the cause of these problems and what measures could be taken to solve them? v. 1
Nowadays, children in many countries are suffering from overweight issues in addition to fatigue problems which were less common in previous decades. This essay discusses some of the reasons for these challenges and then tries to offer reasonable solutions to overcome them. There are many causes of recent deterioration in youngsters health and an increase in their weight. A principle reason for these problems is modern dietary habits. Children frequently consume sugars and fats. In addition to eating unhealthy food, children’s current lifestyle does not include sufficient amount of physical activities. Therefore, children are not growing their physical abilities to improve their fitness, nor burning enough calories to reduce their weight. In fact, numerous studies concluded that, children who do not spend enough time exercising are prone to suffer from overweight and fatigue more than other children. Many mitigation measures can be taken into consideration to overcome these problems. To start with, schools could encourage students to engage in different physical activities during school hours. This can be done by conducting awareness campaigns at schools to encourage them to integrate physical activities to classic classes. Also, using the media to raise the level of awareness in society about these challenges could prove to be helpful. These awareness campaigns could be guided to result in changing the parents’ way of thinking about this matter, which will lead some of them to change their childrens’ dietary and physical exercise habits. For example, Norway did a national awareness campaign about children obesity two years ago, and that resulted in a significant drop in health and weight issues between school students. In conclusion, children’s obesity, fatigue and health level problems grew significantly due to unhealthy dietary systems and lower engagement in physical activities. I believe that this could be overcome by increasing the amount of physical exercise in shools, in addition to using the media for awareness campaigns.
Nowadays,
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children
in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
countries are suffering from overweight issues
in addition
to fatigue
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problems
which were less common in previous decades. This essay discusses
If the text is a generality, 'of the' is not necessary. Did you mean "some"?
some of the
reasons for these challenges and then tries to offer reasonable solutions to overcome them.

There are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
causes of recent deterioration in youngsters health and an increase in their weight. A
Did you mean "principal" (=main)?
principle
reason for these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problems
is modern dietary habits.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Children
frequently
consume sugars and fats.
In addition
to eating unhealthy food,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children’s
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
current
lifestyle does not include sufficient amount of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
physical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
.
Therefore
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are not growing their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
physical
abilities to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
their fitness, nor burning
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
calories to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
their weight. In fact, numerous studies concluded that,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
who do not spend
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
time exercising are prone to suffer from overweight and fatigue more than other children.

This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
mitigation measures can
be taken
into consideration to overcome these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problems
. To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
with,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
could encourage students to engage in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
physical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
during
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
hours. This can
be done
by conducting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
awareness
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
campaigns
at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
to encourage them to integrate
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
physical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
to classic classes.
Also
, using the media to raise the level of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
awareness
in society about these challenges could prove to be helpful. These
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
awareness
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
campaigns
could
be guided
to result in changing the parents’ way of thinking about this matter, which will lead
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
of them to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
their
Possible spelling mistake found.
childrens
’ dietary and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
physical
exercise habits.
For example
, Norway did a national
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
awareness
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
campaign
about
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
obesity two years ago, and that resulted in a significant drop in health and weight issues between
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
students.

In conclusion
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children’s
obesity, fatigue and health level
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problems
grew
significantly
due to unhealthy dietary systems and lower engagement in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
physical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
. I believe that this could
be overcome
by increasing the amount of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
physical
exercise in
Possible spelling mistake found.
shools
,
in addition
to using the media for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
awareness
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
campaigns
.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
35Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
4Mistakes

IELTS essay In some countries, the average weight of children is increasing and their level of health and fitness is decreasing. What do you think are the cause of these problems and what measures could be taken to solve them? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
314 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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