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In some countries, students while studying lived away from home. Do you think the advantage outweigh disadvantage? v.1

In some countries, students while studying lived away from home. Do you think the advantage outweigh disadvantage? v. 1
Education far-away from home is an issue that frequently generated a great deal of heated debate. And there are people who believe that the demerits of studying lived remotely from home are far greater than its benefits. However, in my opinion, the advantage of this topic should not be neglected. To begin with, there are certainly a number of accepted reasons which have supported the background side. One major disadvantage of studying remotely from home is the lack of family support with spiritual and material support. Another negative point is that it is too early for them to live away from their family and hometown, which feels homesickness then is more likely to fall in stress. On the other hand, by living far away from home students are more likely to learn independence, which hellps them in their lifelong future, similarly, they cultivate new skills, begin to appreciate his/her family members and also learn to eliminate many problems themselves. An example to illustrate this point is that a friend of mine, Jack has been studying in Canada for two years during his periods he almost starts to be independent, nimble and ready to any problems he says that in the near future he start his own business which before went to Canada he was the person careless and absent-minded. To sum up, in my point of view the benefit of studying away from home is greater than the risks associated with living with family.
Education far-away from home is an issue that
frequently
generated a great deal of heated debate. And there are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
who believe that the demerits of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
studying
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lived
remotely
from home are far greater than its benefits.
However
, in my opinion, the advantage of this topic should not
be neglected
.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, there are
certainly
a number of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
accepted
reasons which have supported the background side. One major disadvantage of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
studying
remotely
from home is the lack of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
support with spiritual and material support. Another
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
point is that it is too early for them to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
away from their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
and hometown, which feels homesickness then is more likely to fall in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
.

On the other hand
, by living far away from home students are more likely to learn independence, which
Possible spelling mistake found.
hellps
them in their lifelong future,
similarly
, they cultivate new
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
to appreciate his/her
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
members and
also
learn to eliminate
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
problems themselves. An example to illustrate this point is that a friend of mine, Jack has been
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
studying
in Canada for two years during his periods he almost
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
starts
to be independent, nimble and ready to any problems he says that in the near future he
The pronoun 'he' is usually used with a third-person or a past tense verb: "starts", "started".
start
his
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
business which
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
went to Canada he was the person careless and absent-minded.

To sum up, in my point of view the benefit of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
studying
away from home is greater than the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risks
associated with living with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
.
5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes
Speak a new language so that the world will be a new world.
Rumi

IELTS essay In some countries, students while studying lived away from home. Do you think the advantage outweigh disadvantage? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
244 words
This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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