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Inventors are not as important to society as doctors. To what extent do you agree with this statement. v.2

Inventors are not as important to society as doctors. v. 2
Inventors are creative people who develop new ideas and products, whereas doctors are specialists who make us feel better when we are ill. I believe that both types of people are important to society, but in different ways. First of all, we give thanks to the inventors who had discovered the illness and medicine in the past time. They had researched the benefit and disadvantages of them. We can see the example which was vitamin A discovered by Mc. Collumn in 1980s. Last time, most of societies did not understand what the meaning of Mc. Collumn saying. They told that it was strange. However, in 20th centuries, his invention has become the helpful thing in making the medicine. We have known that vitamin A is very important for our body especially the eyes. We can look at this vitamin which can be obtained by carrot, chicken egg and green vegetables. Furthermore, smart phones are also one of the most important inventions for peoples. People found it most convenient for them in carrying as well as lots of applications are available due to which they can contact with their family, relatives and friends. Moreover, there are lots of things that are invented by inventors that had made house work also easy for example, home appliances, washing machines, refrigerators etc. In conclusion, both have different role and values in our lives, without doctors human beings cannot survive healthy or we can say that no onee can be there to protect from illnesses. Obviously without inventors new inventions cannot take place and there would be no new unique discovery people would be able to see.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Inventors
are creative
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who develop new
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ideas
and products, whereas doctors are specialists who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
us feel better when we are ill. I believe that both types of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
to society,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
ways.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, we give thanks to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
inventors
who had discovered the illness and medicine in the
Did you mean "pastime"?
past time
. They had researched the benefit and disadvantages of them. We can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
the example which was vitamin A discovered by
Possible spelling mistake found.
Mc
.
Possible spelling mistake found.
Collumn
The article is probably missing here: "in the 1980s".
in 1980s
. Last time,
After 'most of', you should use 'the' ("most of the societies") or simply say "most societies".
most of societies
did not understand what the meaning of
Possible spelling mistake found.
Mc
.
Possible spelling mistake found.
Collumn
saying. They
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
told
that it was strange.
However
, in 20th centuries, his invention has become the helpful thing in making the medicine. We have known that vitamin A is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
for our body
especially
the eyes. We can look at this vitamin which can
be obtained
by carrot, chicken egg and green vegetables.

Furthermore
, smart phones are
also
one of the most
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
inventions for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
peoples
.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
found it most convenient for them in carrying
as well
as lots of applications are available due to which they can contact with their family, relatives and friends.
Moreover
, there are lots of things that
are invented
by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
inventors
that had made
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
house
work
also
easy
for example
, home appliances, washing machines, refrigerators etc.

In conclusion
, both have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
role and values in our
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
, without doctors human beings cannot survive
Use a comma before 'or' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
healthy or
we can say that no
Possible spelling mistake found.
onee
can be there to protect from illnesses.
Obviously
without
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
inventors
new inventions cannot take place and there would be no new unique discovery
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
would be able to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
.
10Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
9Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
10Mistakes
Learning another language is not only learning different words for the same things, but learning another way to think about things.
Flora Lewis

IELTS essay Inventors are not as important to society as doctors. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
272 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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