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In some countries people who visit art galleries are reducing. What are the reasons? How can this problem be solved? v.2

In some countries people who visit art galleries are reducing. What are the reasons? How can this problem be solved? v. 2
The art galleries are losing its charm their charm as visitors in a few parts of the world are alleviating. This is probably due to a plethora of other fascinating art mediums at disposal. However, this phenomenon can be altered if such studios bring something divergent to offer to art lovers. To embark on, one of the pivotal reasons behind the plummet in attendance of people flocking the art places is that technology has opened up myriad avenues to quench one’s creative thirst. For instance, any admirer of art could browse paintings and sculptures while relaxing in the comfort of home via the internet, instead of venturing out for witnessing the same craft. Moreover, if someone wants to buy any artwork, it can be done online without any hassle. Even the flawless portraits by Maqbool Fida Husain, a well-known painter, is available on various web destinations. Thus, the amount of visitors to the art galleries is diminishing. Nonetheless, this unwelcome change could be altered if the art exhibitions bring to the fore some ideas to entice the fans of creativity. For instance, the ambience plays an imperative role to attract people from all walks of life. Music, for instance, could be played in the background according to the theme of the exhibit. Furthermore, mostly the entrants of gallery desires to own a piece of craft. So, the organizers could offer discounted prices. Besides, there could be games or lucky draws to keep people engaged and draw their much-needed attention. Finally, publicity is indispensable and can lure the general public to at least come to glance at the artistic approaches. Consequently, there will be rise in the populace visiting art galleries. To recapitulate, although the public has distinct options to appreciate art rather than going to art galleries, the focus could be shifted back to the art studios through alluring and innovative concepts.
The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
galleries
are losing its charm their charm as visitors in a few parts of the world are alleviating. This is
probably
due to a plethora of other fascinating
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
mediums at disposal.
However
, this phenomenon can
be altered
if such studios bring something divergent to offer to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
lovers.

To embark on, one of the pivotal reasons behind the plummet in attendance of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
flocking the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
places is that technology has opened up myriad avenues to quench one’s creative thirst.
For instance
, any admirer of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
could browse paintings and sculptures while relaxing in the comfort of home via the internet,
instead
of venturing out for witnessing the same craft.
Moreover
, if someone wants to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
any artwork, it can
be done
online without any hassle. Even the flawless portraits by
Possible spelling mistake found.
Maqbool
Possible spelling mistake found.
Fida
Possible spelling mistake found.
Husain
, a well-known painter, is available on various web destinations.
Thus
, the amount of visitors to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
galleries
is diminishing.

Nonetheless, this unwelcome
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
could
be altered
if the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
exhibitions bring to the fore
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ideas
to entice the fans of creativity.
For instance
, the ambience plays an imperative role to attract
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
from all walks of life. Music,
for instance
, could
be played
in the background according to the theme of the exhibit.
Furthermore
,
mostly
the entrants of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
gallery
desires to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
a piece of craft.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, the organizers could offer discounted prices.
Besides
, there could be games or lucky draws to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
engaged and draw their much-needed attention.
Finally
, publicity is indispensable and can lure the
Consider using "public".
general public
to at least
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
to glance at the artistic approaches.
Consequently
, there will be
Consider using a past participle here: "risen".
rise
in the populace visiting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
galleries.

To recapitulate, although the public has distinct options to appreciate
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
rather
than going to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
galleries
, the focus could
be shifted
back to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
studios through alluring and innovative concepts.
12Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
15Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
5Mistakes
He who knows no foreign languages knows nothing of his own.
Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

IELTS essay In some countries people who visit art galleries are reducing. What are the reasons? How can this problem be solved? v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
312 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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