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The professional workers such as doctors, nurses, and teachers should be paid more than the sports and entertainment starts or personalities. Do you agree or disagree v.1

The professional workers such as doctors, nurses, and teachers should be paid more than the sports and entertainment starts or personalities. v. 1
Some people say that it is unfair for professional employees work in hospital, school because their salaries lower than people who are athletes or super stars. While I agree that the vital professional should be paid higher, I believe that sports stars deserve to get high salaries. On the one hand, there are several reasons why health workers and educators should get more salary. First and for most, Doctors and teacher play a crucial role in our society. Indeed, we cannot live in good conditions without their aid. For instance, once Ebola virus which had killed more than thousands of people infected in the past, doctors and nurses worked hard to treat, take care and save their patients. Furthermore, After World War II, thanks to the devotion of teacher, Japan can boosting economic development and become the leader country in the technology. On the other hand, high-paid athletes are absolutely worth because of their dedication. Sports stars and singers have to dedicate many years to developing their fitness and skills. In fact, in order to participate in the Olympic Games, the athletes must make an effort to practice and diet with strict lessons. For example, they cannot meet their loved ones in a long time and do not be allowed to eat for keeping lean. In addition, a sports career many only 15 to 20 years and then they might be unemployment. Therefore, despite of high-paid salaries, the athletes always save money and make sure that they can have a comfort life in the future. In conclusion, although I concur that the professional workers should get a salary which suitable with their effort, I believe that it is fair if the best athletes and singers earn a lot of money.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
say that it is unfair for professional employees work in hospital, school
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
salaries
lower than
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
who are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
athletes
or super stars. While I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that the vital professional should
be paid
higher, I believe that sports stars deserve to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
high salaries.

On the one hand, there are several reasons why health workers and educators should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
salary
.
First
and for most, Doctors and teacher play a crucial role in our society.
Indeed
, we cannot
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
conditions without their aid.
For instance
, once Ebola virus which had killed more than thousands of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
infected in the past, doctors and nurses worked
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
to treat, take care and save their patients.
Furthermore
, After World War II, thanks to the devotion of teacher, Japan can boosting economic development and become the leader country in the technology.

On the other hand
, high-paid
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
athletes
are
absolutely
worth
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of their dedication. Sports stars and singers
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
dedicate
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
years to developing their fitness and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
. In fact, in order to participate in the Olympic Games, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
athletes
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
an effort to practice and diet with strict lessons.
For example
, they cannot
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
meet
their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
loved
ones in a long time and do not be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
allowed
to eat for keeping lean.
In addition
, a sports career
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
15 to 20
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
years and
then they might be unemployment.
Therefore
,
Did you mean "despite" (or, alternatively, 'in spite of')?
despite of
high-paid
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
salaries
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
athletes
always save money and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
sure that they can have a comfort life in the future.

In conclusion
, although I concur that the professional workers should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
salary
which suitable with their effort, I believe that it is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
fair
if the best
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
athletes
and singers earn
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
money.
10Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
9Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes
He who knows no foreign languages knows nothing of his own.
Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

IELTS essay The professional workers such as doctors, nurses, and teachers should be paid more than the sports and entertainment starts or personalities. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
290 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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