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In some countries, people follow the latest fashion and hairstyles. In your opinion, what is influencing this? Is this a good or a bad thing? v.6

In some countries, people follow the latest fashion and hairstyles. In your opinion, what is influencing this? Is this a good or a bad thing? v. 6
It is true that a lot of people are fond of copying famous fashion trends and hairstyles. There are primary causes for influencing them and In my own perspective, I believe that this is a negative development. Firstly, people tend to follow latest fashion trends because of the excessive ads on social media. These advertisements are influencing people to buy unneeded things, rather than buying basic needs. Moreover, people tend to stick to trends due to the influence of other people in their workplace or school. In order for them to fit in the society they live in, they must imitate what others wear or use. For instance, when the majority of the people use iPhone model, others choose to purchase the same so that they can also become famed. Hence, these influences some people to adapt to what is popular in styles. However, I believe that this tendency has given people the negative impact in terms of their attitude. One reason is that following new fashion trends can instill a materialistic attitude. This is because people opt to acquire anything that they are capable of purchasing. As a result, this will imply that people belong to a throw-away society. Another point to consider is that it can establish discrimination. Although there are people who can afford to obtain the things that they like, there are also others who are incapacitated of purchasing expensive things. Consequently, this can be the cause of bullying on students or discrimination in low income earners. Thus, adaptation to what is popular nowadays can only be regarded as negative. In conclusion, people are adapting to various trends mainly because of too many ads and for sense of belongingness. I believe that this is only discriminating people and encouraging throw-away attitude among people.
It is true that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are fond of copying
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
fashion
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
trends
and hairstyles. There are primary causes for influencing them and In my
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
perspective, I believe that this is a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
development.

Firstly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
tend to follow
A determiner is probably missing here: "the latest".
latest
fashion
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
trends
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of the excessive ads on social media. These advertisements are influencing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
unneeded things,
rather
than buying basic needs.
Moreover
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
tend to stick to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
trends
due to the influence of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in their workplace or school. In order for them to fit in the society they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
in, they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
imitate what others wear or
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
.
For instance
, when the majority of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
iPhone model, others choose to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
purchase
the same
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that they can
also
become famed.
Hence
, these influences
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to adapt to what is popular in styles.

However
, I believe that this tendency has
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
impact in terms of their attitude. One reason is that following new fashion
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
trends
can instill a materialistic attitude. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
opt to acquire anything that they are capable of purchasing.
As a result
, this will imply that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
belong to a throw-away society. Another point to consider is that it can establish discrimination. Although there are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who can afford to obtain the things that they like, there are
also
others who
are incapacitated
of purchasing expensive things.
Consequently
, this can be the cause of bullying on students or discrimination in low income earners.
Thus
, adaptation to what is popular nowadays can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
be regarded
as
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
.

In conclusion
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are adapting to various
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
trends
mainly
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of too
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
ads and for sense of
Possible spelling mistake found.
belongingness
. I believe that this is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
discriminating
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
and encouraging throw-away attitude among
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
.
8.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8.5Mistakes

IELTS essay In some countries, people follow the latest fashion and hairstyles. In your opinion, what is influencing this? Is this a good or a bad thing? v. 6

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
297 words
8.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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