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In some countries, people follow the latest fashion and hairstyles. In your opinion, what is influencing this? Is this a good or bad thing? v.2

In some countries, people follow the latest fashion and hairstyles. In your opinion, what is influencing this? Is this a good or bad thing? v. 2
Latest trends in terms of fashion and hairstyles have followers in some countries. In my opinion, there are multiple reasons promoting it, and unless checked it could lead to loss of diversification. In this day and age, one reason why people follow trendy fashion is because of the boom in the fashion industries. People today, in these industries, are more creative than they were ever before, and therefore, many different fashion designs catering to various tastes of the people have emerged. Another reason why fashion attracts many followers from some countries is due to the aggressive advertisement on media. Reaching out to people and promoting fashion brands by means of handy mobile phones is a large means to secure customers. These are clear reasons why people opt for different hairstyles and fashion in today’s world. Furthermore, people adopting ever-changing fashion and hairstyles is a bad thing. This is down to the fact that it leads to exploitation by businesses and corporations which aims at making profit instead of purely delivering multiple ideas. Take, for instance, the clothing brand who promote misleading adverts about the skinny denim jeans they manufacture. Jeans of this variety compresses own’s thighs, and disrupting the blood flow. In order to profit, business owners do not consider the impact their product will have on consumer’s health and often use cheap material to prepare them. In conclusion, undoubtedly people have more options today regarding fashion and hairstyles but an eye should be kept on the downsides that they could they.
A determiner is probably missing here: "the Latest".
Latest
trends in terms of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fashion
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hairstyles
have followers in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
countries. In my opinion, there are multiple
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
reasons
promoting it, and unless
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
checked
it could lead to loss of diversification.

In this day and age, one
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
reason
why
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
follow trendy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fashion
is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of the boom in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fashion
industries.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
, in these industries, are more creative than they were ever
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
, and
therefore
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fashion
designs catering to various tastes of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
have emerged. Another
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
reason
why
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fashion
attracts
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
followers from
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
countries is due to the aggressive advertisement on media. Reaching out to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
and promoting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fashion
brands by means of handy mobile phones is
Probably a noun is missing in this part of the sentence.
a large
means to secure customers. These are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
reasons
why
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
opt for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hairstyles
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fashion
in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
’s world.

Furthermore
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
adopting ever-changing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fashion
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hairstyles
is a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
thing. This is down to the fact that it leads to exploitation by businesses and corporations which aims at making profit
instead
of
purely
delivering multiple
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ideas
. Take,
for instance
, the clothing brand who promote misleading adverts about the skinny denim jeans they manufacture. Jeans of this variety compresses
Do not use 's with a verb. Did you mean "owns"?
own’s
thighs, and disrupting the blood flow. In order to profit, business owners do not consider the impact their product will have on consumer’s health and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
cheap
material to prepare them.

In conclusion
,
undoubtedly
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
have more options
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
regarding
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fashion
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hairstyles
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
an eye should be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
kept
on the downsides that they could they.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
24Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
4Mistakes

IELTS essay In some countries, people follow the latest fashion and hairstyles. In your opinion, what is influencing this? Is this a good or bad thing? v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
252 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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