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In some countries, people are no longer allowed to smoke in many public places and office buildings. Do you think this is a good rule or a bad rule? Use specific reasons and details to support your position. v.1

In some countries, people are no longer allowed to smoke in many public places and office buildings. Do you think this is a good rule or a bad rule? Use specific reasons and details to support your position. v. 1
These times, the numbers of offences and crimes around the world are getting higher. Criminals commit their major crimes due to poverty and aggressive behaviour, however, there are solutions for this big issue. One of the reasons why murderers murder others or why thieves rob others is the poor background. Poor individuals, especially young adults, tend to have an increased need for money and getting rich in the shortest time possible and by the easiest ways. A lot of the poor young adults in the USA, for instance, tend to commit more crimes than any other group. Another cause why individuals offend is the aggressive behaviour. In other words, some youngsters learn to be aggressive from their home or school by seeing aggressiveness from a parent or a colleague. Consequently, they mimic this act later in their lives to defend themselves, in the beginning, and then that would lead to exhibiting a tendency to attack others. However, there are solutions to reduce the number of the major offences committed. One good idea is to implement educational programs for those people that suffer from poverty, this way we can educate them how to earn a lot of money in a legal way that secure a safe prosperous future for them. Another wonderful thought is to teach youngs that the violent act is strictly unacceptable and cannot be tolerated easily. This way we will ensure that they will not try to exhibit these kinds of acts when they grow up and have a lot of confrontations in college, secondary school or even the streets, for example. In conclusion, although there are different causes for why criminals commit major offences, and why their numbers have swelled, we can solve this big issue by implementing programs that are dedicated to poor people and by teaching youngsters that aggressiveness can not and will not be tolerated.
These times, the numbers of
Possible spelling mistake. 'offences' is British English.
offences
and crimes around the world are getting higher. Criminals commit their major crimes due to poverty and aggressive
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
,
however
, there are solutions for this
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
issue.

One of the reasons why murderers murder others or why thieves rob others is the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
poor
background.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Poor
individuals,
especially
young adults, tend to have an increased need for money and getting rich in the shortest time possible and by the easiest ways.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
A lot of
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
poor
young adults in the USA,
for instance
, tend to commit more crimes than any
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
group. Another cause why individuals offend is the aggressive
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
. In
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
words,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
youngsters learn to be aggressive from their home or school by seeing aggressiveness from a parent or a colleague.
Consequently
, they mimic this act later in their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
to defend themselves, in the beginning, and then that would lead to exhibiting a tendency to attack others.

However
, there are solutions to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
the number of the major
Possible spelling mistake. 'offences' is British English.
offences
committed. One
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
is to implement educational programs for those
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
that suffer from poverty, this way we can educate them how to earn
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
money
Consider replacing "in a legal way" with the adverb for "legal"; e.g., "in a hasty manner" with "hastily".
in a legal way
that secure a safe prosperous future for them. Another wonderful
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
thought
is to teach
Possible spelling mistake. Did you mean "young", the plural form of the noun 'young'?
youngs
that the violent act is
strictly
unacceptable and cannot
be tolerated
easily
. This way we will ensure that they will not try to exhibit these kinds of acts when they grow up and have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
confrontations in college, secondary school or even the streets,
for example
.

In conclusion
, although there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
causes for why criminals commit major
Possible spelling mistake. 'offences' is British English.
offences
, and why their numbers have swelled, we can solve this
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
issue by implementing programs that
are dedicated
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
poor
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
and by teaching youngsters that aggressiveness can not and will not
be tolerated
.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
He who knows no foreign languages know nothing of his own.
Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

IELTS essay In some countries, people are no longer allowed to smoke in many public places and office buildings. Do you think this is a good rule or a bad rule? Use specific reasons and details to support your position. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
311 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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