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In some countries, parents expect children to spend long time studying both in and after school, and have less free time. Do you think it has the positive or negative effects on children and society? v.2

In some countries, parents expect children to spend long time studying both in and after school, and have less free time. Do you think it has the positive or negative effects on children and society? v. 2
It's true that most of the parents'd rather their children spent more time on studying and cut down free time. While I accept that this statement offers lots of benefits, I believe that it also has several drawbacks. On the one hand, there are a number of reasons why studying both in and after school is positive for children. First of all, knowledge is very valuable, so studying for a long time will help children grow up better. For instance, acquiring knowledge about some subjects at school such as Sciences, Arts and especially English can bring more good opportunities to their future career. The next reason is that spending less free time means children can be restricted to overuse the Internet, which has detrimental implication on their physical and mental health. On the Internet, some violent and bad news can distort their way of thinking about families, friends and society. On the other hand, paralleling with these conducive effects, learning too much without enough relaxing also affect juveniles badly. Firstly, having less free time can make them to develop unequally. They may have the lack of soft skill like communication skill or have butterflies in their stomach when speaking publicly. As a result, they will find it difficult to adapt to the modern world. Last but not least, immersing themselves in studying may affect their feeling. In my high school, there was a girl killing herself due to lypemania after being overwhelmed with learning all day long. In conclusion, after weighing the pros and cons, I would say that juveniles should devote their time to expand their knowledge and chill out appropriately.
It's true that most of the parents'd
rather
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
spent more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
studying
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
cut
down free
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
. While I accept that this statement offers lots of benefits, I believe that it
also
has several drawbacks.

On the one hand, there are a number of reasons why
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
studying
both in and after school is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
.
This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, knowledge is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
valuable,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
studying
for a long
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
grow up better.
For instance
, acquiring knowledge about
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
subjects at school such as Sciences, Arts and
especially
English can bring more
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
opportunities to their future career. The
next
reason is that spending less free
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
means
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
can
be restricted
to overuse the Internet, which has detrimental implication on their physical and mental health. On the Internet,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
violent and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
news can distort their way of thinking about families, friends and society.

On the other hand
, paralleling with these conducive effects, learning too much without
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
relaxing
also
affect juveniles
badly
.
Firstly
, having less free
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
them to develop
unequally
. They may have the lack of soft
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skill
like communication
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skill
or have butterflies in their stomach when speaking
publicly
.
As a result
, they will find it difficult to adapt to the modern world. Last
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
not least, immersing themselves in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
studying
may affect their feeling. In my high school, there was a girl killing herself due to
Possible spelling mistake found.
lypemania
after
being overwhelmed
with learning all day long.

In conclusion
, after weighing the pros and cons, I would say that juveniles should devote their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
to expand their knowledge and chill out
appropriately
.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay In some countries, parents expect children to spend long time studying both in and after school, and have less free time. Do you think it has the positive or negative effects on children and society? v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
272 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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