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in some countries levels of health and fin=tnesss are decreasing and average weights are increasing. what do you think are the causes of these problems and what are some possible solutions? v.2

in some countries levels of health and fin=tnesss are decreasing and average weights are increasing. what do you think are the causes of these problems and what are some possible solutions? v. 2
the people of some countries are gaining weight and losing health and fitness level. unhealthy lifestyle is responsible for this, and awareness programme by the government as well as a few steps by the employers can help to mitigate this issue. this essay is going to describe that. the most obvious reason for poor health and overweight is lack of exercise. this is because most of the people living in some countries are leading a sedentary lifestyle because of the nature of their work. people work for long shifts, thereby leaving them no time for exercise. for instance, a recent survey took the opinion of five thousand people in Dhaka, and 82% of them replied they do not exercise due to lack of time and tiredness because of their ling haul shifts. to combat this problem, the most obvious step should be awareness programmes by the government. the government should use its state media to broadcast the adverse effect of obesity as well as encourage people to spare some time for their health. furthermore, as the problem is initiating from the workplace, the employers have to something about it. they should allow specific time for the employees for exercise between the work schedule. for example, dedicating an hour of time for the employees for exercise is going to allow them to exercise, thereby keeping themselves feet. in conclusion, health and work both are important for us, and we have to achieve a balance between these two where help from the government and the employers can play a vital role.
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
countries are gaining weight and losing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
and fitness level.
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
unhealthy
lifestyle is responsible for this, and awareness
Possible spelling mistake. 'programme' is British English.
programme
by the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
as well
as a few steps by the employers can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
to mitigate this issue.
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
this
essay is going to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
describe
that.

This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
the
most obvious reason for poor
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
and overweight is lack of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
exercise
.
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
this
is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
most of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
living in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
countries are leading a sedentary lifestyle
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of the nature of their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
.
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
for long shifts, thereby leaving them no
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
exercise
.
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
for
instance, a recent survey took the opinion of five thousand
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in Dhaka, and 82% of them replied they do not
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
exercise
due to lack of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
and tiredness
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of their
Did you mean "long"?
ling
haul shifts.

This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
to
combat this problem, the most obvious step should be awareness
Possible spelling mistake. 'programmes' is British English.
programmes
by the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
.
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
its state media to broadcast the adverse effect of obesity
as well
as encourage
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to spare
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
for their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
.
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
furthermore
, as the problem is initiating from the workplace, the employers
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
something about it. they should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allow
specific
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
for the employees for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
exercise
between the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
schedule.
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
for
example, dedicating an hour of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
for the employees for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
exercise
is going to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allow
them to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
exercise
, thereby keeping themselves feet.

This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
in
conclusion,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
both are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
for us, and we
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
achieve a balance between these two where
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
from the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
and the employers can play a vital role.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
28Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
15Mistakes

IELTS essay in some countries levels of health and fin=tnesss are decreasing and average weights are increasing. what do you think are the causes of these problems and what are some possible solutions? v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
259 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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