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At present time, the population of present countries includes a relatively large number of young adults, compared with a number of older people. do the advantage of this situation outweigh the disadvantage? v.2

At present time, the population of present countries includes a relatively large number of young adults, compared with a number of older people. do the advantage of this situation outweigh the disadvantage? v. 2
By analyzing the world population age gives us an outcome that, in almost every country has relatively large number of young people than older people. This fact carries both positive and negative outcomes. However in my point of view having senior citizens are important but it is the young generation who can contribute more thus give more benefits to the society. Every country requires think tanks to make crucial decision and where elder people shines. They can be extremely effective while making any decision to the country. Especially, the decision which is oriented with the law and that law can last for several years. If any mistake is made in these decisions then the entire country will suffer. For example, particularly in the defense sector, every retired veteran is used long after retirement in order to make crucial decision in the military. Therefore, the, the contribution of elderly people is undeniable. That said, maybe senior citizens are important for their vast experience but young people are the future of a country. More young people means more worker in the manufacturing industry and more solider in the military. Likewise, young people can be used in different business sectors which helps to drive up the economy. For instance, if we think of manufacturing giant then China comes first and main key to their success is cheap labor. So, it is needless to say the importance of young people hence the advantage of having them. In conclusion, elderly people can be good at decision-making but it is the young people who have to go ahead and execute the order.
By analyzing the world population age gives us an outcome that, in almost every
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
has
relatively
large number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
than older
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
. This fact carries both
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
outcomes.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
However
in my point of view having senior citizens are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
it is the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
generation who can contribute more
thus
give more benefits to the society.

Every
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
requires
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
tanks to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
crucial
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
decision
and where elder
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
If 'people' is plural here, don't use the third-person singular verb.
shines
. They can be
extremely
effective while making any
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
decision
to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
.
Especially
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
decision
which
is oriented
with the law and that law can last for several years. If any mistake
is made
in these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
decisions
then the entire
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
will suffer.
For example
,
particularly
in the defense sector, every retired veteran is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
long after retirement in order to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
crucial
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
decision
in the military.
Therefore
,
Did you forget something after 'the'?
the,
the contribution of elderly
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
is undeniable.

That said, maybe senior citizens are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
for their vast experience
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are the future of a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
. More
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
If 'people' is plural here, don't use the third-person singular verb.
means
Use only "worker" (without 'more') when you use the comparative.
more worker
in the manufacturing industry and
Use only "solider" (without 'more') when you use the comparative.
more solider
in the military.
Likewise
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
business sectors which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
to drive up the economy.
For instance
, if we
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
of manufacturing giant then China
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
comes
first
and main key to their success is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
cheap
labor.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, it is needless to say the importance of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
hence
the advantage of having them.

In conclusion
, elderly
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
at decision-making
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
it is the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
go ahead and execute the order.
12Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
27Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
6Mistakes

IELTS essay At present time, the population of present countries includes a relatively large number of young adults, compared with a number of older people. do the advantage of this situation outweigh the disadvantage? v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
266 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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