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In some countries, fast food restaurants and supermarkets give money to schools to promote their products. Do you think this is a positive or negative development? v.2

In some countries, fast food restaurants and supermarkets give money to schools to promote their products. Do you think this is a positive or negative development? v. 2
In recent years, hotels and superstores are marketing their products in various forms. One such practice is paying the schools in order to market their products at these institutions. In my opinion, although this scenario is profitable for these businesses, it can cause a serious damage to children in the long run. To begin with, schools are supposed to promote healthy eating habits among children and lay a good foundation for their future. However, accepting the financial support from any marketing organisations, such as fast food restaurants binds the receivers to promote their foods, which contain harmful ingredients. These foods are quite addictive, and are known to cause obesity in children. For example, the taste of the sample junk foods distributed at schools, force the children and their families to, rush to the fast food centre. Hence, the act of encouraging these giant fast food chains must be condemned. In addition, the advertising campaigns at schools have considerable impact on the young minds of the children making them buy products from these giant super stores. As a result, students become a part of this never ending vicious cycle of buying more and more goods, which are unnecessary in most of the cases. For instance, if an expensive toy is advertised at school and some children buy it, the other children obviously feel the need to buy it. This puts a considerable financial burden on their families. On the other hand, the management members of some educational institutions claim that, the funds obtained from these fast food and super store chains are helping them. These funds are a considerable help to establish the necessary infrastructure at their schools. In turn, this improves the experience of students at school. In conclusion, although there seem to be some advantages of receiving money from restaurants and supermarkets, and promoting their products, it is important for the educational institutions to look deeper, and understand that, this is more a vice than a virtue. As these products disturb the health and finances of children and their families, these practices must be put to an end as soon as possible.
In recent years, hotels and superstores are marketing their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
products
in various forms. One such practice is paying the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
in order to market their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
products
at these institutions. In my opinion, although this scenario is profitable for these businesses, it can cause
Uncountable nouns are usually not used with an indefinite article. Use simply "serious damage".
a serious damage
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
in the long run.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
are supposed
to promote healthy eating habits among
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
and lay a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
foundation for their future.
However
, accepting the financial support from any marketing
Possible spelling mistake. 'organisations' is British English.
organisations
, such as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fast
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
restaurants binds the receivers to promote their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
foods
, which contain harmful ingredients. These
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
foods
are quite addictive, and
are known
to cause obesity in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
.
For example
, the taste of the sample junk
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
foods
distributed at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
, force the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
and their families to, rush to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fast
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
Possible spelling mistake. 'centre' is British English.
centre
.
Hence
, the act of encouraging these giant
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fast
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
chains
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
be condemned
.

In addition
, the advertising campaigns at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
have considerable impact on the young minds of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
making them
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
products
from these giant super stores.
As a result
, students become a part of this never ending vicious cycle of buying more and more
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
goods
, which are unnecessary in most of the cases.
For instance
, if an expensive toy
is advertised
at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
it, the other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
obviously
feel the need to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
it. This puts a considerable financial burden on their families.

On the other hand
, the management members of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
educational institutions claim that, the funds obtained from these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fast
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
and super store chains are helping them. These funds are a considerable
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
to establish the necessary infrastructure at their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
. In turn, this
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improves
the experience of students at school.

In conclusion
, although there seem to be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
advantages of receiving money from restaurants and supermarkets, and promoting their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
products
, it is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
for the educational institutions to look deeper, and understand that, this is more a vice than a virtue. As these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
products
disturb the health and finances of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
and their families, these practices
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
be put
to an
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
as
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
soon
as possible.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes
It is astonishing how much enjoyment one can get out of a language that one understands imperfectly.
Basil Lanneau Gildersleeve

IELTS essay In some countries, fast food restaurants and supermarkets give money to schools to promote their products. Do you think this is a positive or negative development? v. 2

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
353 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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