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In some countries, fast food restaurants and companies give money to schools provided that the school promote their products to school children. What do you think is positive and negative of this in the development of children v.2

In some countries, fast food restaurants and companies give money to schools provided that the school promote their products to school children. What do you think is positive and negative of this in the development of children v. 2
It is a popular way in some places that schools gain part of their funding from fast-food restaurants and corporates, which allows their products to be promoted at school. In my opinion, it has strengths and weaknesses for children' s development. On the one hand, funding from the fast food industry can provide school students with better educational resources. Firstly, extra money raised from these companies can be used to renovate old teaching and learning buildings and update teaching facilities, which enable students to learn in a more comfortable learning environment and have access to modern teaching technology. Secondly, funding from private companies allowing schools to allocate this part of money freely, which can make the most use of it, compared with national funding which can be only used on a particular purpose. For example, teachers and students can be more motivated if use part of the funding as a reward for their efforts and progress. On the other hand, advertising products in school can be exploitative and unethical. These products which are always promoted in an attractive way with eye-catchy pictures are aimed at students, who are easily influenced by advertisements, and may put pressure on their parents to buy things for them. Furthermore, promoting fatty, sugary and salty fast food in school may lead to an unhealthy diet which is related to health issues, such as obesity, heart attack and diabetes. A survey conducted by the Department of Education, for instance, showed that nearly 80% of overweight students obtain excessive calories from junk food sold at or near schools. In conclusion, accepting funding from the fast food industry and promoting junk food in school has both advantages and disadvantages. In my opinion, with proper regulations, its strengths will overweigh its drawbacks.
It is a popular way in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
places that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
gain part of their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
funding
from
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
-food restaurants and
Possible spelling mistake found.
corporates
, which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allows
their products to
be promoted
at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
. In my opinion, it has strengths and weaknesses for
Possible spelling mistake found.
children&
#039; s development.

On the one hand,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
funding
from the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
industry can provide
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
with better educational resources.
Firstly
, extra money raised from these
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to renovate
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
teaching and learning buildings and update teaching facilities, which enable
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
to learn in a more comfortable learning environment and have access to modern teaching technology.
Secondly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
funding
from private
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
allowing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
to allocate this part of money
freely
, which can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
the most
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
of it, compared with national
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
funding
which can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
on a particular purpose.
For example
, teachers and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
can be more motivated if
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
part of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
funding
as a reward for their efforts and progress.

On the other hand
, advertising products in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
can be exploitative and unethical. These products which are always promoted
Consider replacing "in an attractive way" with the adverb for "attractive"; e.g., "in a hasty manner" with "hastily".
in an attractive way
with eye-catchy pictures
are aimed
at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
, who are
easily
influenced by advertisements, and may put pressure on their parents to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
things for them.
Furthermore
, promoting fatty, sugary and salty
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
may lead to an unhealthy diet which
is related
to health issues, such as obesity, heart attack and diabetes. A survey conducted by the Department of Education,
for instance
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
showed
that
nearly
80% of overweight
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
obtain excessive calories from junk
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
sold at or near schools.

In conclusion
, accepting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
funding
from the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
industry and promoting junk
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
has both advantages and disadvantages. In my opinion, with proper regulations, its strengths will
Possible spelling mistake found.
overweigh
its drawbacks.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
23Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
4Mistakes
Language is the road map of a culture. It tells you where its people come from and where they are going.
Rita Mae Brown

IELTS essay In some countries, fast food restaurants and companies give money to schools provided that the school promote their products to school children. What do you think is positive and negative of this in the development of children v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
293 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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