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In some countries, fast food restaurants and companies give money to schools provided that the school promote their products to school children. What do you think is positive and negative of this in the development of children v.1

In some countries, fast food restaurants and companies give money to schools provided that the school promote their products to school children. What do you think is positive and negative of this in the development of children v. 1
As people relocate to cities to acquire employment and lead better lives, their numbers are skyrocketing. This has led to issues such as traffic and a competitive job market, however, these obstacles can be tackled using many approaches which will be discussed throughout this essay. There are numerous dilemma's faced with the migration trend of people from the country to cities. Firstly, with and increase in population, comes an increase in cars. Therefore, vehicle congestion in roads is a growing problem. For example, in 2014, Traffic Logs in London reported an increase in traffic by 50%, the Government reported 800, 000 new citizens in that year alone. For these reasons there is an apparent correlation between over population and congestion. In addition to this, competitive job market is also an issue. This is because, with more qualified people looking for employment, companies become very picky when choosing who to hire, as well as, most vacancies become occupied. Despite the many obstacles faced, there is without a doubt a means of solving them. With regards to the traffic, governments can set up 'no vehicle zones' areas, reducing the congestion in the central parts of towns. For instance, this was proven effective in the 2020 Qatar World cup, were entire main streets were turned into pavements so civilians can walk, furthermore, highways were built for automobiles. On the other hand, another solution to uplift the burden of unemployment is for nations to sponsor their city business' this way, more jobs are available for everyone. Overall, these policies once applied can make living centrally a much more enjoyable experience. In conclusion, although cities have paved the way for a more successful life, it brings about it overpopulation. Their effects have been closely examined, as well as, their solutions.
As
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
relocate to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cities
to acquire employment and lead better
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
, their numbers are skyrocketing. This has led to issues such as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
traffic
and a competitive job market,
however
, these obstacles can
be tackled
using
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
approaches which will
be discussed
throughout this essay.

There are numerous
The possessive apostrophe seems to be incorrect. Please remove the apostrophe if you want to use the plural form of 'dilemma'.
dilemma's
faced with the migration trend of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
from the country to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cities
.
Firstly
, with and increase in population,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
comes
an increase in cars.
Therefore
, vehicle congestion in roads is a growing problem.
For example
, in 2014,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Traffic
Logs in London reported an increase in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
traffic
by 50%, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Government
reported 800, 000 new citizens in that year alone. For these reasons there is an apparent correlation between over population and congestion.
In addition
to this, competitive job market is
also
an issue. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
, with more qualified
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
looking for employment,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
become
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
picky when choosing who to hire,
as well
as, most vacancies become occupied.

Despite the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
obstacles faced, there is without a doubt a means of solving them.
Use "in regard to", "with regard to", or more simply "regarding".
With regards to
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
traffic
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
governments
can set up 'no vehicle zones' areas, reducing the congestion in the central parts of towns.
For instance
, this
was proven
effective in the 2020 Qatar World cup, were entire main streets
were turned
into pavements
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
civilians can walk,
furthermore
, highways
were built
for automobiles.
On the other hand
, another solution to uplift the burden of unemployment is for nations to sponsor their city business' this way, more jobs are available for everyone.
Overall
, these policies once applied can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
living
centrally
a much more enjoyable experience.

In conclusion
, although
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cities
have paved the way for a more successful life, it brings about it overpopulation. Their effects have been
closely
examined,
as well
as, their solutions.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay In some countries, fast food restaurants and companies give money to schools provided that the school promote their products to school children. What do you think is positive and negative of this in the development of children v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
295 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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