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In some countries children have very strict rules of behaviour, in other countries they are allowed to do almost anything they like. To what extent should children have to follow rules? v.1

In some countries children have very strict rules of behaviour, in other countries they are allowed to do almost anything they like. v. 1
The extent to which youth follows the rules, in itself, it is a very complex issue, since children across the world grow up in different cultures. In India, youngsters are expected to be submissive to their parents and other adults around them. But, it is not the case with the Western countries on the planet where children follow the motto ‘Thou shalt do what thou wilt’ promoted by the celebrities and rock stars of the region. I believe, following strict rules has both, the advantages as well as serious drawbacks as discussed below. Nowadays, the strict rules of behaviour are creating a responsible and respectful attitude to the teenagers, they will become mature and a respectful adult. This forms a stable society which is virtually free from the negative trends, like the prostitution and drug abuse. If children do not obey the straightforward concept of behaviour, they may take a wrong path and become an indolent. It creates a burden on the society. The government has to find a better way to cater for these social ills. In addition, forcing on the champs to follow strict rules of behaviour does not always yield a positive result as discussed above, most of the time it backfires and works against society. For example, teenagers are more likely to do the opposite work, which they are instructed, because they want to be an independent person. The scholars should have rights to exercise their free will and develop their own pattern of personality. Imposing strict rules, may simply destroy the individuality of children. At the end of the day, it is clear that children should be guided by rules, but these rules should not be imposed on them because as human beings, they need to have room to develop their own traits of character and adopt a behaviour pattern of their own.
The extent to which youth follows the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rules
, in itself, it is a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
complex issue, since
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
across the world grow up in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
cultures. In India, youngsters are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
expected
to be submissive to their parents and other adults around them.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
, it is not the case with the Western countries on the planet where
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
follow the motto ‘Thou shalt do what thou wilt’ promoted by the celebrities and rock stars of the region. I believe, following
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
strict
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rules
has both, the advantages
Probable usage error. Use "and" after 'both'.
as well as
serious drawbacks as discussed below.

Nowadays, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
strict
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rules
of
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
are creating a responsible and respectful attitude to the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
, they will become mature and a respectful adult. This forms a stable society which is
virtually
free from the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
trends, like the prostitution and drug abuse. If
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
do not obey the straightforward concept of
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
, they may take a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
wrong
path and become
Probably a noun is missing in this part of the sentence.
an indolent
. It creates a burden on the society. The
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
has to
find a better way to cater for these social ills.

In addition
, forcing on the champs to follow
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
strict
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rules
of
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
does not always yield a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
result as discussed above, most of the time it backfires and works against society.
For example
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
are more likely to do the opposite work, which they
are instructed
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they want to be an independent person. The scholars should have rights to exercise their free will and develop their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
pattern of personality. Imposing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
strict
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rules
, may
simply
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
destroy
the individuality of children.

At the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
of the day, it is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
should
be guided
by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rules
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rules
should not
be imposed
on them
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
as human beings, they need to have room to develop their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
traits of character and adopt a
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
pattern of their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
.
3Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
19Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
6Mistakes
One language sets you in a corridor for life. Two languages open every door along the way.
Frank Smith

IELTS essay In some countries children have very strict rules of behaviour, in other countries they are allowed to do almost anything they like. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
308 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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