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In some countries, children are becoming overweight and unhealthy. Some people thinkthat the government should be responsible for solving this problem. To what extent doyou agree or disagree? v.2

In some countries, children are becoming overweight and unhealthy. Some people thinkthat the government should be responsible for solving this problem. v. 2
It is true that children in some parts of the world are becoming obese and unhealthy. I agree with the role of the government in resolving this vexing issue. However, I also believe that the role of parenting and school settings should also be emphasized. Childhood obesity and children’s health problems should be partly blamed to the authority. We cannot deny the fact that overweight children are of high chance to be vulnerable to numerous serious diseases such as diabetes and hypertension, which poses a dire threat to the national growth of any country as they are the future’s human resources. As a result, the authority should be accountable for mitigating this problem. Take China as a good example, the governing body has been taking action to lower obesity rate among children by organizing boot camps where children arephysically trained to lose weight and take up daily healthy habit. This is because China’s political activists are scared of the scenario that these overweight children will not be able to meet the physical demand to join the army. Besides the governmental role, parents and schools are also liable for their children’s good health. Regarding the former, working parents nowadays tend to devote virtually their whole time to working in order to ensure material well-being, which means that they may spend less time carefully taking care of their children’s diet. Therefore, without supervision, children might eat unhealthy food or lead a sedentary lifestyle. This explains why close parental care and control is crucial in ensuring children’s balanced diet and healthy life. In terms of the role of education in teaching children about health living, some schools inclined to place emphasis on theoretical subjects as math and literature, and neglect the importance of physical education, which reduces their students’ workout frequency. School efforts to promote healthy diet and engage students in physical exercises are irreplaceable in tackling the problem of child obesity. In conclusion, the government, parents and schools should all shoulder the responsibility for protecting their children from obesity and unhealthy lifestyles.
It is true that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
parts of the world are becoming obese and unhealthy. I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with the
Please add a punctuation mark at the end of paragraph
role


This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
of
the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
in resolving this vexing issue.
However
, I
also
believe that the role of parenting and

This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
school
settings should
also
be emphasized
.

Childhood obesity and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children’s
health problems should be partly blamed to the authority. We
Please add a punctuation mark at the end of paragraph
cannot


deny the fact that overweight
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are of high chance to be vulnerable to numerous serious

diseases such as diabetes and hypertension, which poses a dire threat to the national growth of any

This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
country
as they are the future’s human resources.
As a result
, the authority should be accountable
Please add a punctuation mark at the end of paragraph
for


This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
mitigating
this problem. Take China as a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
example, the governing body has been
Please add a punctuation mark at the end of paragraph
taking


action to lower obesity rate among
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
by organizing boot camps where children

This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
arephysically
trained to lose weight and take up daily healthy habit. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
China’
Please add a punctuation mark at the end of paragraph
s


political activists
are scared
of the scenario that these overweight
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
will not be able to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
meet
the

This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
physical
demand to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
join
the army.

Besides
the governmental role, parents and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
are
also
liable for their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children’s
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
health.

Regarding the former, working parents nowadays tend to devote
virtually
their whole time to

working in order to ensure material well-being, which means that they may spend less time
carefully


This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
taking
care of their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children’s
diet.
Therefore
, without supervision,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
might eat unhealthy food

This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
or
lead a sedentary lifestyle. This
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
explains
why close parental care and control is crucial in
Please add a punctuation mark at the end of paragraph
ensuring


This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
children
’s balanced diet and healthy life. In terms of the role of education in teaching
Please add a punctuation mark at the end of paragraph
children


about health living,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
inclined to place emphasis on theoretical subjects as math and

literature, and neglect the importance of physical education, which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduces
their students’ workout

This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
frequency
.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
School
efforts to promote healthy diet and engage students in physical exercises
Please add a punctuation mark at the end of paragraph
are


This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
irreplaceable
in tackling the problem of child obesity.

In conclusion
, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
, parents and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
should all shoulder the responsibility

This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
for
protecting their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
from obesity and unhealthy lifestyles.
3Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
13Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
20Mistakes
You live a new life for every new language you speak. If you know only one language, you live only once.
Czech Proverb

IELTS essay In some countries, children are becoming overweight and unhealthy. Some people thinkthat the government should be responsible for solving this problem. v. 2

Essay
  American English
24 paragraphs
340 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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