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In some countries, children are becoming overweight and unhealthy. Some people thinkthat the government should be responsible for solving this problem. To what extent doyou agree or disagree? v.1

In some countries, children are becoming overweight and unhealthy. Some people thinkthat the government should be responsible for solving this problem. v. 1
People always grow up and the way of nature that they will turn from a baby to an older person. Many things can happen around the period of growth. Some people hope that they remain a teenager forever, but the other people like to be adults. It depends on the people and the happiness can be achieved in both ages. Firstly, being the teenagers make them free and they do not think about life’s complexity of a great deal. For example, the girls and boys in the school prefer to think about their lesson than having a job and taking family responsibilities. They think this way because they assume that they have their parents who can take care of the family and finance their study for the school. Their responsibilities are to study hard so they can pass the exam with the highest score. Usually, they meet their first love in school that makes them happy. They do not think about how to earn money, they dream, try to do live life with fewer responsibilities and complexities. Secondly, becoming an adult is very interesting. An adult usually has a bigger chance to try something than the teenager such as having an identity card, driving license, credit card, freedom of spending and having a great job. They can manage their own time to do that they want or they can make a decision where they face the problem. They can get much money from their job so they can spend it to buy things that they need. They also travel to different tourist places and spend their time with other people that they care about. In conclusion, being happy as a teenager or an adult depends on the individuals and both ages brings the happiness it is carefully chosen. When they can enjoy their life, they can be happy and being happy is a mental state, mostly and can be achieved in both the period of life.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
always grow up and the way of nature that they will turn from a baby to an older person.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
things can happen around the period of growth.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
hope that they remain a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teenager
forever,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
the other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
like to be
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
adults
. It depends on the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
and the happiness can
be achieved
in both ages.

Firstly
, being the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teenagers
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
them
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
free and
they do not
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
think
about
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life’s
complexity of a great deal.
For example
, the girls and boys in the school prefer to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
think
about their lesson than having a job and taking family responsibilities. They
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
think
this way
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they assume that they have their parents who can take care of the family and finance their study for the school. Their responsibilities are to study
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
they can pass the exam with the highest score.
Usually
, they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
meet
their
first
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
love
in school that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
them
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happy
. They do not
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
think
about how to earn money, they dream, try to do
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
with fewer responsibilities and complexities.

Secondly
, becoming an adult is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
interesting. An adult
usually
has a bigger chance to try something than the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teenager
such as having an identity card, driving license, credit card, freedom of spending and having a great job. They can manage their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
time to do that they
Use a comma before 'or' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
want or
they can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
a decision where they face the problem. They can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
much money from their job
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
they can spend it to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
things that they need.
Three successive sentences begin with the same word. Consider rewording the sentence or use a thesaurus to find a synonym.
They
also
travel to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
tourist places and spend their time with other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
that they care about.

In conclusion
, being
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happy
as a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teenager
or an adult depends on the individuals and both ages brings the happiness it is
carefully
chosen. When they can enjoy their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
, they can be
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happy
and being
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happy
is a mental state,
mostly
and can
be achieved
in both the period of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes
Do you know what a foreign accent is? It’s a sign of bravery.
Amy Chua

IELTS essay In some countries, children are becoming overweight and unhealthy. Some people thinkthat the government should be responsible for solving this problem. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
326 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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