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These days, too many people maintain their health by relying on doctors and medicine, rather than following a healthy lifestyle. To what extent do you agree with this statement? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own kn v.1

These days, too many people maintain their health by relying on doctors and medicine, rather than following a healthy lifestyle. 1
People have different perspectives on whether schools ought to focus on teaching children to compete or work together as a team. While some people think that competition is more important, others consider that it is better for children to learn to cooperate with each other. Children who learn to compete against each other often do better in school, according to some. In other words, the competition between students motivates them to excel in their studies or tasks which consequently produces better academic performance and results. For example, students generally apply themselves and work harder when they are in direct competition with their classmates. Furthermore, it is commonly believed that being driven to achieve the best is vital in order to succeed later in life when, as adults, they must compete against others in the job market. On the other hand, it is often thought that it is better if the emphasis in schools is on cooperating with others in a team. People do not live, work or socialise apart from others, so learning how to work alongside others ought to be taught from childhood. Without these skills, children would lack the ability to communicate with each other or know how to deal with confrontations and conflicts in a constructive way. Another reason why team skills are useful for children is that they can learn how to negotiate with others to complete a task which are useful skills to have for their future. In conclusion, many people think that children need to become more competitive, whereas others think that it is best for a child to focus on working together.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
perspectives on whether schools ought to focus on teaching
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to compete or
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
together as a team. While
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that competition is more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
, others consider that it is
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
better
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to learn to cooperate with each other.

Children who learn to compete against each
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
do
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
better
in school, according to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
. In
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
words, the competition between students motivates them to excel in their studies or tasks which
consequently
produces
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
better
academic performance and results.
For example
, students
generally
apply themselves and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
harder when they are in direct competition with their classmates.
Furthermore
, it is
commonly
believed that
being driven
to achieve the best is vital in order to succeed later in life when, as adults, they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
compete against others in the job market.

On the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
hand, it is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
thought
that it is
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
better
if the emphasis in schools is on cooperating with others in a team.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
do not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
or
Possible spelling mistake. 'socialise' is British English.
socialise
apart from others,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
learning how to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
alongside others ought to
be taught
from childhood. Without these
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
would lack the ability to communicate with each
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
or know how to deal with confrontations and conflicts
Consider replacing "in a constructive way" with the adverb for "constructive"; e.g., "in a hasty manner" with "hastily".
in a constructive way
. Another reason why team
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
are useful for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
is that they can learn how to negotiate with others to complete a task which are useful
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
to have for their future.

In conclusion
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
need to become more competitive, whereas others
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that it is best for a child to focus on working together.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes
The limits of my language are the limits of my world.
Ludwig Wittgenstein

IELTS essay These days, too many people maintain their health by relying on doctors and medicine, rather than following a healthy lifestyle. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
269 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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