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In some cities in the world, life quality is declining. What are the reasons and solutions for this problem? v.2

In some cities in the world, life quality is declining. What are the reasons and solutions for this problem? v. 2
In recent years, it has been witnessed that the standard of living among people is declining. While pollution and the shortage of housing are the cause of this, I believe that proper solutions should be taken into consideration. Indeed, pollution, which negatively affects people’s lives, is the major problem when they living in metropolises. Significantly, since the world has been industrialized for years, factories and industries are increasingly constructed. This contributes to such social and environmental problems as global warming and the spread of harmful disease. Taking Vietnam as an example, where industrial areas are mostly built inner cities and near residential areas. They usually emit a remarkable amount of carbon dioxide into the atmosphere. Consequently, this increases susceptibility to various health issues related to the respiratory system. Furthermore, the deficiency of housing also poses a problem among people. As people mostly transfer to big cities to live. However, if the density of population is incredibly high, they will find it extremely difficult to find a place to live. Hence, they tend to live in crowded areas or even slums, which is an ordeal to live a healthy life. However, alongside the influence of pollution and the shortage of housing, I believe that there are several ways to address them. First, authorities should force managers to relocate their industries or companies far away from residential areas. This will be beneficial to not only reduce the number of toxic gases released in the environment but also improve people’s health condition. Second, they should also expand cities and construct more buildings to serve the needs of people living in big cities. For example, if dormitories and private houses are prevalent in schools or other areas, people will be able to find a place to live and meet their basic needs. In conclusion, although the mentioned problems above have an adverse effect on people’s lives, I think that there is room for improvement, which is easily achieved by taking proper solutions.
In recent years, it has
been witnessed
that the standard of living among
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
If 'people' is plural here, don't use the third-person singular verb.
is
declining. While pollution and the shortage of housing are the cause of this, I believe that proper solutions should
be taken
into consideration.

Indeed
, pollution, which
negatively
affects
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people’s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lives
, is the major
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problem
when
Did you mean "they're living", "they are living", or "they were living"?
they living
in metropolises.
Significantly
, since the world has
been industrialized
for years, factories and industries are
increasingly
constructed. This contributes to such social and environmental
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problems
as global warming and the spread of harmful disease. Taking Vietnam as an example, where industrial
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
areas
are
mostly
built inner
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cities
and near residential
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
areas
. They
usually
emit a remarkable amount of carbon dioxide into the atmosphere.
Consequently
, this increases susceptibility to various health issues related to the respiratory system.
Furthermore
, the deficiency of housing
also
poses a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problem
among
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
.
“As” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
As
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
mostly
transfer to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cities
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
.
However
, if the density of population is
incredibly
high, they will find it
extremely
difficult to find a place to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
.
Hence
, they tend to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
in crowded
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
areas
or even slums, which is an ordeal to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
a healthy life.

However
, alongside the influence of pollution and the shortage of housing, I believe that there are several ways to address them.
First
, authorities should force managers to relocate their industries or
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
far away from residential
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
areas
. This will be beneficial to not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
the number of toxic gases released in the environment
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people’s
health condition. Second, they should
also
expand
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cities
and construct more buildings to serve the needs of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
living in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cities
.
For example
, if dormitories and private
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
houses
are prevalent in schools or other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
areas
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
will be able to find a place to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
meet
their basic needs.

In conclusion
, although the mentioned
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problems
above have an adverse effect on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people’s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lives
, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that there is room for improvement, which is
easily
achieved by taking proper solutions.
14Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
28Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes

IELTS essay In some cities in the world, life quality is declining. What are the reasons and solutions for this problem? v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
328 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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