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In schools and universities, girls tend to choose arts while boys like science. What are the reasons for this trend and do you think this tendency should be changed? v.4

In schools and universities, girls tend to choose arts while boys like science. What are the reasons for this trend and do you think this tendency should be changed? v. 4
Undeniably, the excessive consumption of unhealthy food has been causing different acute well-being issues. From that perspective, a group of people perceived that the government ought to surge the cost of junk food to inspire folks to come into strength conscious snacks. In my opinion, the tax on unhealthy food is necessary because it would not prevent people from some severe diseases but also diminished financial burden. To embark with the pivotal rationale behind the topic at hand is the high cost of living. Owing to the skyrocketing population and the scarcity of resources, the competition among the people has escalated considerably. Therefore people need to plan their expenses according to their income so that they can obtain a good lifestyle. Imposing a higher tax will make fast foods unaffordable to poor people. They will get forced to cook meals at home and save a certain amount of money and can invest it in another productive way. For instance, a pizza price from any of the retail chain is $15, which is more than a salad worthy. Moving Forth, although this process causes inconvenience for the working people because the time they spend with their family will have to use to prepare cuisine at home, it will incentivize the family to consume nutrient snack. Fast feed has a deleterious impact on the health of the people as by taking it people can get dreadful diseases like obesity, cardiovascular, heart attach. Hence, the tax on this cuisine will encourage the people to consume nutritious feed which will gradually encourage the people to live a healthy life. In conclusion, law enforcement will reduce the negative aspects of unhealthy cuisines and drive people to a healthy life. In my opinion, implementing higher taxes is an absolute way to encourage people to live a healthy life; instead of, wasting their money abundantly on ready-made snack use it lucrative way.
Undeniably
, the excessive consumption of unhealthy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
has been causing
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
acute well-being issues. From that perspective, a group of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
perceived that the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
ought to surge the cost of junk
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
to inspire folks to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
into strength conscious snacks. In my opinion, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
tax
on unhealthy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
is necessary
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it would not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevent
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
from
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
severe diseases
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
diminished financial burden.

To embark with the pivotal rationale behind the topic at hand is the high cost of living. Owing to the skyrocketing population and the scarcity of resources, the competition among the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
If 'people' is plural here, don't use the third-person singular verb.
has
escalated
considerably
.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Therefore
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
need to plan their expenses according to their income
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that they can obtain a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
lifestyle. Imposing a higher
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
tax
will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
foods
unaffordable to poor
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
. They will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
forced to cook meals at home and save a certain amount of money and can invest it in another productive way.
For instance
, a pizza price from any of the retail chain is $15, which is more than a salad worthy.

Moving Forth, although this process causes inconvenience for the working
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
the time they spend with their family will
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
to prepare cuisine at home, it will incentivize the family to consume nutrient snack.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Fast
feed has a deleterious impact on the health of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
as by taking it
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
dreadful diseases like obesity, cardiovascular, heart attach.
Hence
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
tax
on this cuisine will encourage the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to consume nutritious feed which will
gradually
encourage the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
a healthy life.

In conclusion
, law enforcement will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
aspects of unhealthy cuisines and drive
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to a healthy life. In my opinion, implementing higher
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
taxes
is an absolute way to encourage
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
a healthy life;
instead
of, wasting their money
abundantly
on ready-made snack
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
Did you mean "is" or "it is"?
it
lucrative way.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay In schools and universities, girls tend to choose arts while boys like science. What are the reasons for this trend and do you think this tendency should be changed? v. 4

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
315 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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