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In recent years, the structure of a family and the roles of its members are gradually changing. What kinds of changes can occur? Do you think these changes are positive or negative? v.2

In recent years, the structure of a family and the roles of its members are gradually changing. What kinds of changes can occur? Do you think these changes are positive or negative? v. 2
The issue of family dynamics gradually changing is one that has been discussed increasingly over the past few years. At this point, some claim that these changes have positives, while others claim they have negatives. This essay will now examine both the positives and negatives of the changes occurring in family dynamics. Firstly, the reason of this phenomenon is due to rapid change in our society. So, it might be able to change financial obligations and roles in families. When more and more increase the family members, they have to need much money. So their parents will get a job not only their father but also their mother. Therefore they can divide to economical problem and their children will be growing independent. Next, to aged, they will switch on the financial obligations from the parents to their sons and daughter. Then their parents can enjoy and take a rest at the old age. However, we should not overlook drawbacks as well. In fact, above the mentioned, separating economic problem has both of views. The other view is that if they work both they still need to take care of their babies. Then their children will be taken to kindergarten or their grandparents. As a result, they will haven' t touched from their parents during grow up. Then they will depend on the others, finally their children might not be able to felt about the love of family. To conclude, there are both positive and negative of this trend However, my perspective that it is more close the below opinion rather than the above.
The issue of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
dynamics
gradually
changing is one that has
been discussed
increasingly
over the past few years. At this point,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
claim that these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
changes
have positives, while others claim they have negatives. This essay will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
examine both the positives and negatives of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
changes
occurring in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
dynamics.

Firstly
, the reason of this phenomenon is due to rapid
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
change
in our society.

This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, it might be able to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
change
financial obligations and roles in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
families
. When more and more increase the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
members, they
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
need much money.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
a job not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
their father
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
their mother.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Therefore
they can divide to economical problem and their children will be growing independent.
Next
, to aged, they will switch on the financial obligations from the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
to their sons and daughter. Then their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
can enjoy and take a rest at the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
age.

However
, we should not overlook drawbacks
as well
. In fact, above the mentioned, separating economic problem has both of views. The other view is that if they work both they
still
need to take care of their babies. Then their children will
be taken
to kindergarten or their grandparents.
As a result
, they will
Possible spelling mistake found.
haven&
#039; t touched from their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
during grow up. Then they will depend on the others,
finally
their children might not be able to felt about the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
love
of family.

To conclude
, there are both
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
of this trend
However
, my perspective that it is more close the below opinion
rather
than the above.
15Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
12Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes

IELTS essay In recent years, the structure of a family and the roles of its members are gradually changing. What kinds of changes can occur? Do you think these changes are positive or negative? v. 2

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
263 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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