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In most developed countries the average life expectancy is constantly increasing. Discuss the positive and negative aspects of this trend. v.1

In most developed countries the average life expectancy is constantly increasing. Discuss the positive and negative aspects of this trend. v. 1
Everyone wants to live longer. We are constantly searching for new ways to add a few more years to our lives. Longer life expectancy is considered as a symbol of better life and prosperity. Generally speaking, people in the developed world have greater life expectancy than those in poor countries. This is not surprising, though. Rich people have access to better care and hence they live longer. When people live longer they get an opportunity to fulfil their wishes and obligations. They will be able to serve the society with their experience and wisdom. They will also be able to spend more years with their family. Cultures all over the world regard longevity as a blessing. After all, longevity is the pursuit of most people. Thus, When people live longer they will be able to contribute to the society in many ways. They can guide the youth with their wisdom. On the other hand, there are some disadvantages to living longer. Aged people may require care. If they have none to take care of them at home, they will have to go to an old age home. Therefore, Families and governments have to spend a lot of money on providing healthcare and insurance to aged people. When people live longer, there will be an increase in the population of seniors. Since most of them are not capable of working or earning money, they can have an adverse impact on the economy. Also an increase in the population will result in the faster depletion of natural resources. After analysing the situation, it is not hard to see that longevity is a fortune. It has some negative impacts on the economy and the environment. However, governments and communities can do many things to deal with this situation.
Everyone wants to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
longer
. We are
constantly
searching for new ways to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
add
a few more years to our
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lives
.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Longer
life expectancy
is considered
as a symbol of better life and prosperity.
Generally
speaking,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in the developed world have greater life expectancy than those in poor countries. This is not surprising, though. Rich
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
have access to better care and
hence
they
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
longer.

When
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
longer
they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
an opportunity to fulfil their wishes and obligations. They will be able to serve the society with their experience and wisdom. They will
also
be able to spend more years with their family. Cultures all over the world regard longevity as a blessing.
After all
, longevity is the pursuit of most
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
.
Thus
, When
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
longer
they will be able to contribute to the society in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
ways. They can guide the youth with their wisdom.

On the other hand
, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
disadvantages to living
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
longer
. Aged
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people
may require care. If they have none to take care of them at home, they will
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
go to an
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
age home.
Therefore
, Families and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
governments
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
spend
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
money on providing healthcare and insurance to aged
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
. When
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
longer
, there will be an increase in the population of seniors. Since most of them are not capable of working or earning money, they can have an adverse impact on the economy.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Also
an increase in the population will result in the faster depletion of natural resources.

After
Possible spelling mistake. 'analysing' is British English.
analysing
the situation, it is not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
that longevity is a fortune. It has
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
impacts on the economy and the environment.
However
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
governments
and communities can do
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
things to deal with this situation.
10Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
20Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes

IELTS essay In most developed countries the average life expectancy is constantly increasing. Discuss the positive and negative aspects of this trend. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
295 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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