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In modern world, it is no longer necessary to use animals for food, clothing, or medicine. To what extent do you agree or disagree? Give reasons for your answer and include examples from your own experience. v.1

In modern world, it is no longer necessary to use animals for food, clothing, or medicine. v. 1
The population of various species of animals is decreasing drastically due to poaching and other kinds of activities. Nowadays, it is no longer needed to make use of animals and other wildlife breed for our daily needs. In my opinion, there are multiple factors responsible for the omission of animals for our basic needs. Firstly, there is a growing rate of decline in some of the wildlife species. This is mainly due to the need of animals to fulfil our requirements. As a rule, animals are used in various forms in our day to day lives. For instance, they are used as leather in bags and purses, meat for food, medicine and other drugs to treat various deadly diseases, shoes, an intriguing fact is that the trunk of elephants is used in many decorative objects and even to make jewellery. Thus, we could destroy all the animal species in the world at an alarming rate. Although the government tends to take steps towards animal conservation, people tend to be monotonous. Furthermore, people in a few countries tend to eat all types of animals available. This is a major issue raised by many world organizations that only a few animals are classified as food. For instance, this would create the spread of many vicious diseases as pig disease and others. So consuming it must be reduced in the future. This could also involve having more vegetables and fruits in our diet instead of red meat. It would also improve our overall health and reduce the fat content in our body. Finally, conservation and preservation of wildlife should be of prime importance to everyone. The extinction of animals could create an ecological imbalance in nature and we could face lots of adversities in the future. Therefore, animals should be protected from hunters and the use of them in our daily products and food shall be minimized for the betterment of society.
The population of various species of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
animals
is decreasing
drastically
due to poaching and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
kinds of activities. Nowadays, it is no longer needed to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
animals
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
wildlife breed for our daily needs. In my opinion, there are multiple factors responsible for the omission of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
animals
for our basic needs.

Firstly
, there is a growing rate of decline in
If the text is a generality, 'of the' is not necessary. Did you mean "some"?
some of the
wildlife species. This is
mainly
due to the need of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
animals
to fulfil our requirements. As a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
rule
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
animals
are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
in various forms in our
It appears that two hyphens are missing.
day to day
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
.
For instance
, they are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
as leather in bags and purses, meat for food, medicine and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
drugs to treat various deadly diseases, shoes, an intriguing fact is that the trunk of elephants is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
decorative objects and even to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
Possible spelling mistake. 'jewellery' is British English.
jewellery
.
Thus
, we could
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
destroy
all the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
animal
species in the world at an alarming rate. Although the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
tends to take steps towards
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
animal
conservation,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
tend to be monotonous.

Furthermore
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
in a few countries tend to eat all types of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
animals
available. This is a major issue raised by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
world organizations that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
a few
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
animals
are classified
as food.
For instance
, this would create the spread of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
vicious diseases as pig disease
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
and others
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
consuming it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduced
in the future. This could
also
involve having more vegetables and fruits in our diet
instead
of red meat. It would
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
our
overall
health and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
fat
content in our body.

Finally
, conservation and preservation of wildlife should be of prime importance to everyone. The extinction of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
animals
could create an ecological imbalance in
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
nature and
we could face lots of adversities in the future.
Therefore
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
animals
should
be protected
from hunters and the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
of them in our daily products and food shall
be minimized
for the betterment of society.
8.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8.5Mistakes
To have another language is to possess a second soul.
Charlemagne

IELTS essay In modern world, it is no longer necessary to use animals for food, clothing, or medicine. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
319 words
8.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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