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Some TV programmes, video of violent games and other leisure activities are harmful on children. How harmful they are? What can be done to solve these problem? v.1

Some TV programmes, video of violent games and other leisure activities are harmful on children. How harmful they are? What can be done to solve these problem? v. 1
Nowadays, unacceptable programs and cartons broadcasted on the television and involvement in other unproductive activities in free time are having an adverse effect on the development of the current generation. Adapting to what is shown on media and diversion from studies are major problems of this trend. Whereas, authorities and parents need to play their role in order to mitigate the effects of this rising concern. There are several problems of watching unethical content on the television. To begin with, movies and other shows broadcasted, now telecast adult content as well. As a result, it is highly likely that adolescents may wrongly educate themselves by watching these programs, and may involve in early sexual activities and can also become drug addicts as well. Also, there is a high probability that the young generation may waste their precious time in unproductive activities; therefore, they may divert their attention from studies and remain illiterate, becoming a burden on society. Appropriate measures need to be taken to tackle this problem. That is to say, states should place restrictions on the media industry on showing unacceptable content and penalise companies that violate these rules. Furthermore, rigorous parent controls on their children may help in alleviating the negative effect of such activities; whereas, they should encourage their offspring in watching productive documentaries which would ultimately help them in their future life. For instance, in the USA, the crime rate dropped to a significantly low level as the government placed restrictions on the media industry on broadcasting violent content. To conclude, watching violent content on the television and youth involvement in anti-social activities and may lead to an adverse effect on the community. Parents and governments need to implement timely measures to curb this issue.
Nowadays, unacceptable programs and cartons broadcasted on the television and involvement in other unproductive
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
in free time are having an adverse
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
effect
on the development of the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
current
generation. Adapting to what
is shown
on media and diversion from studies are major problems of this trend. Whereas, authorities and parents need to play their role in order to mitigate the effects of this rising concern.

There are several problems of watching unethical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
content
on the television. To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, movies and other
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
broadcasted,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
telecast adult
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
content
as well
.
As a result
, it is
highly
likely that adolescents may
wrongly
educate themselves by watching these programs, and may involve in early sexual
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
and can
also
become drug addicts
as well
.
Also
, there is a high probability that the young generation may waste their precious time in unproductive
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
;
therefore
, they may divert their attention from studies and remain illiterate, becoming a burden on society.

Appropriate measures need to
be taken
to tackle this problem.
That is
to say, states should place restrictions on the media industry on showing unacceptable
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
content
and
Possible spelling mistake. 'penalise' is British English.
penalise
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
that violate these
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
rules
.
Furthermore
, rigorous parent controls on their children may
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
in alleviating the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
effect
of such
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
; whereas, they should encourage their offspring in watching productive documentaries which would
ultimately
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them in their future life.
For instance
, in the USA, the crime rate dropped to a
significantly
low level as the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
placed restrictions on the media industry on broadcasting violent content.

To conclude
, watching violent
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
content
on the television and youth involvement in anti-social
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
and may lead to an adverse
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
effect
on the community. Parents and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
governments
need to implement timely measures to curb this issue.
8.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8.5Mistakes
As a hawk flieth not high with one wing, even so a man reacheth not to excellence with one tongue.
Roger Ascham

IELTS essay Some TV programmes, video of violent games and other leisure activities are harmful on children. How harmful they are? What can be done to solve these problem? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
289 words
8.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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