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In modern times young adults are spending less time with their families and more time with their friends Why has this change occurred Do you think parents should force their children to spend more time at home In modern times young adults are spending les v.1

In modern times young adults are spending less time with their families and more time with their friends Why has this change occurred Do you think parents should force their children to spend more time at home In modern times young adults are spending les v. 1
Most people believe that there is no direct relation between money and satisfaction. There are various factors other than money that can make people happy. Cheerfulness is a feeling that depends upon the needs of an individual and this makes it difficult to define. Notwithstanding, there are plenty of ways through which people can achieve contentment. Furthermore, contentment is difficult to define because it means something different to each individual. Nobody can fully understand or experience another person’s feelings, and we all have our own particular passions from which we take pleasure. Consequently, Considering the monetary wealth as an example, people often perceive the value of money differently. In fact, some people, for example, derive a sense of satisfaction from getting a profit or achieving success, whereas the others take it more lightly, health and family are much more important. . According to many, there can be different factors which make people feel happy. Moreover, one of the factors that might lead to elation is job satisfaction. Therefore, If people are satisfied with the kind of job they are doing, they tend to feel happy. Another factor leading to happiness is a loving family and friends. If the people in an individual’s life are loving and caring, they tend to be happy. As a matter of fact, doing social work can also lead to happiness. Another worth pointing that people feel delighted when they serve the society and contribute towards making it a better place to live in. In conclusion, there are several factors that can contribute towards the exuberance of different individuals. Anyway, specific factors which make individuals happy are those which satisfy their needs at that point of time.
Most
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
believe that there is no direct relation between money and satisfaction. There are various
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
factors
other than money that can
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happy
. Cheerfulness is a feeling that depends upon the needs of an
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
individual
and this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
makes
it difficult to define. Notwithstanding, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
plenty
of ways through which
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can achieve contentment.

Furthermore
, contentment is difficult to define
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it means something
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
to each
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
individual
. Nobody can
fully
understand or experience another person’s feelings, and we all have our
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
particular passions from which we take pleasure.
Consequently
, Considering the monetary wealth as an example,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
perceive the value of money
differently
. In fact,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
,
for example
, derive a sense of satisfaction from getting a profit or achieving success, whereas the others take it more
lightly
, health and family are much more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
.
Don't put a space before the full stop
.


According to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
, there can be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
factors
which
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
feel
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happy
.
Moreover
, one of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
factors
that might lead to elation is job satisfaction.
Therefore
, If
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are satisfied
with the kind of job they are doing, they tend to feel
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happy
. Another
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
factor
leading to happiness is a loving family and friends. If the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in an
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
individual’s
life
The verb 'loving' is a stative verb and sometimes the progressive form is not correct. Try a simple form instead.
are loving
and caring, they tend to be
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happy
. As a matter of fact, doing social work can
also
lead to happiness. Another worth pointing that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
feel delighted when they serve the society and contribute towards making it a better place to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
in.

In conclusion
, there are several
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
factors
that can contribute towards the exuberance of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
individuals
. Anyway, specific
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
factors
which
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
individuals
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happy
are those which satisfy their needs at that point of time.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes
Speak a new language so that the world will be a new world.
Rumi

IELTS essay In modern times young adults are spending less time with their families and more time with their friends Why has this change occurred Do you think parents should force their children to spend more time at home In modern times young adults are spending les v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
281 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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