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In many places, shopping is the leisure time activity for young adults. Why is it so? Do you think it is a negative or a positive development? v.2

In many places, shopping is the leisure time activity for young adults. Why is it so? Do you think it is a negative or a positive development? v. 2
Watching sports events on television is encouraged by many as they think that it promotes exercise among viewers whereas opponents of this viewpoint believe that other methods would be better. In my opinion, I support the latter's point because television has limited influence on humans On the one hand, those who believe that the mega sporting events motivate people to participate them in their real life, this is because the success and the fame of these sports stars mesmerise the viewers. In other words, when they watch these games on television, they realise that how fit these participants. Take any football star as an example, he can run, jump, and walk throughout the game without showing any exertion. By watching this, sports fans probably start to engage such games, rather just armchair enthusiasts; therefore, many supporters of watching the major sports matches promote unconditionally. However, despite the above argument, some people advocate that there are other options to be implemented to tackle this issue, and I strongly support this. Firstly, one possible solution is that the government funded campaigns, which creates awareness regarding the need of healthy living. This initiative has been used in various other fields and they not only reached to target population, but most of them were successful as well. For instance, spreading awareness of the significance of the physical activities would be created by giving some public talks by medical professionals. This education can also include many other subjects to attract the society: games, quiz, and storytelling. By way of conclusion, even though people are differed regarding whether viewing mega games on telle has any positive impact on mankind's health status.
Watching
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
events
on television
is encouraged
by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
as they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that it promotes exercise among viewers whereas opponents of this viewpoint believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
methods would be better. In my opinion, I support the latter's point
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
television has limited influence on
Please add a punctuation mark at the end of paragraph
humans


On the one hand, those who believe that the mega sporting
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
events
motivate
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
to participate them in their real life, this is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
the success and the fame of these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
stars
Possible spelling mistake. 'mesmerise' is British English.
mesmerise
the viewers. In
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
words, when they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
watch
these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
on television, they
Possible spelling mistake. 'realise' is British English.
realise
that how fit these participants. Take any football star as an example, he can run, jump, and walk throughout the game without showing any exertion. By watching this,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
fans
probably
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
to engage such
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
,
rather
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
armchair enthusiasts;
therefore
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
supporters of watching the major
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
matches promote
unconditionally
.

However
, despite the above argument,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
advocate that there are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
options to
be implemented
to tackle this issue, and I
strongly
support this.
Firstly
, one possible solution is that the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
funded campaigns, which creates awareness regarding the need of healthy living. This initiative has been
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
in various
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
fields and
they not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
reached to target population,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
most of them were successful
as well
.
For instance
, spreading awareness of the significance of the physical activities would
be created
by giving
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
public talks by medical professionals. This education can
also
include
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
subjects to attract the society:
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
, quiz, and storytelling.

By way of conclusion,
even though
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
are differed
regarding whether viewing mega
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
on
Possible spelling mistake found.
telle
has any
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
impact on mankind's health status.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes
A different language is a different vision of life.
Federico Fellini

IELTS essay In many places, shopping is the leisure time activity for young adults. Why is it so? Do you think it is a negative or a positive development? v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
275 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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