Do you want to improve your writing? Try our new evaluation service and get detailed feedback.
Check Your Text it's free

In many parts of the world, the incidence of crimes for young people is increasing. Why is this case happening? How should children or teenagers be punished? v.2

In many parts of the world, the incidence of crimes for young people is increasing. Why is this case happening? How should children or teenagers be punished? v. 2
It is a common notion that the more developed a country becomes, the more criminal cases it has to cope with, specifically those caused by young people. There are a number of reason leading to this and thus some solutions should be proposed to tackle this problem. To begin with, the root cause of young criminals is highly likely associated with the modern family structure where there is poor family bonding. Perhaps due to the high living standard, parents have to work extra hours thus spending less time supervising or expressing sympathetic towards their children. As a result, the young minds suffer from degradation in mental health, which can be seen in abusive homes or single-parent households. Such adults seem to lack of parenting skills. Another cause should be taken into account is the growing popularity of violent trends on social media or in video games. Many online games, in fact, include the act of carrying guns or weapons to shoot and fight against enemies. This casts a huge impact on the premature brains of young children as they tend to imitate their surrounding incidents and might commit crimes in real life. Therefore, several measures should be implemented to prevent this serious issue. First, participating in community service allows young criminals to compensate damage for the society to some extent. This approach would force them to be more aware of their illegal behaviors which leaves not only them but also many other people suffering from consequences, in some cases fatal incidents. In addition, they rather be sent to stay in a juvenile detention facility in an attempt to reshape their perceptions. At there, extra lessons about social skills and behavioral management will be given as either a remedy or a punishment. When receiving intense treatment and counselling, the juveniles have a chance to redeem their mistakes and avoid repeating offending in the future. In conclusion, once the reasons for increasing crimes among young people, suitable solutions are suggested to address this problem. In my opinion, measures relating to self-awareness are potential in preventing this incidence to occur.
It is a common notion that the more developed a country becomes, the more criminal cases it
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
has to
cope with,
specifically
those caused by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
. There are a number of reason leading to this and
thus
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
solutions should
be proposed
to tackle this problem.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, the root cause of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
criminals is
highly
likely associated with the modern family structure where there is poor family bonding. Perhaps due to the high living standard, parents
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
work extra hours
thus
spending less time supervising or expressing sympathetic towards their children.
As a result
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
minds suffer from degradation in mental health, which can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
in abusive homes or single-parent households. Such adults seem to lack of parenting
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
. Another cause should
be taken
into account is the growing popularity of violent trends on social media or in video games.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
online games, in fact, include the act of carrying guns or weapons to shoot and fight against enemies. This casts a huge impact on the premature brains of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
children as they tend to imitate their surrounding incidents and might commit crimes in real life.

Therefore
, several measures should
be implemented
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevent
this serious issue.
First
, participating in community service
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allows
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
criminals to compensate damage for the society to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
extent. This approach would force them to be more aware of their illegal behaviors which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
leaves
not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
them
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
other
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
suffering from consequences, in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
cases fatal incidents.
In addition
, they
rather
be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sent
to stay in a juvenile detention facility in an attempt to reshape their perceptions. At there, extra lessons about social
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
and behavioral management will be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
as either a remedy or a punishment. When receiving intense treatment and counselling, the juveniles have a chance to redeem their mistakes and avoid repeating offending in the future.

In conclusion
, once the reasons for increasing crimes among
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
, suitable solutions
are suggested
to address this problem. In my opinion, measures relating to self-awareness are potential in preventing this incidence to occur.
13Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
6Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
0Mistakes
If you talk to a man in a language he understands, that goes to his head. If you talk to him in his own language, that goes to his heart.
Nelson Mandela

IELTS essay In many parts of the world, the incidence of crimes for young people is increasing. Why is this case happening? How should children or teenagers be punished? v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
347 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
Similar posts


Recent posts